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‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'

22 January 2024
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It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to say they want to go home. This may be caused by time-shifting or general confusion, and can be distressing for everyone. 

Below are a few considerations on what to say to someone in this situation who wants to go home. 

5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'

For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 
 
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist.  
 
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.

If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.

Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety

The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 

Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe. 

It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation

Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone.  Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 

It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 

Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely

A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.

Our dementia advisers are here for you.
0333 150 3456

Think about whether the person with dementia is happy or unhappy when they mention going home. If they are unhappy, it may be possible to discover why. If they cannot tell you why, perhaps a member of the staff or another resident knows why. 

Like anyone, someone with dementia may act out of character to the people closest to them as a result of a bad mood or bad day. 

Does the person with dementia keep talking about going home when people are not visiting them in the care home? Does he or she seem to have settled otherwise? Ask the staff in the home as they may know.

5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home

Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?

If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.

This article was first published in 2018 and most recently updated in January 2024.

How can dementia change a person's perception?

People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting

Read more
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604 comments

Patti Mruk
says
06 April 2023 at 5:47 am
My dad has dementia and is loving at home with my mom. We don't let him drive anymore for the safety of others and himself. He is constantly asking for the car keys and says he needs to go home. On several occasions he has packed all his belongings. He doesn't recognize my mom and thinks she is just a good friend, but needs to go to his wife. I ask him where he lives and gives me the same address as the home he resides on for the past 67 years.
Lisa W
says
02 May 2023 at 10:54 pm
My husband (55) also wants to go home. He packs his belongings and demands that I drive him to his house where he lives with his wife (me.) He thinks I am his ex-wife and that I am trying to steal his wife's identity. It's so hard to watch.
Tami
says
30 March 2023 at 6:54 pm
My mother n law is 93 years old. July 21, 2022 she walked to the dining table to eat lunch but could not get up from there afterwards. She hasn't walked or stood since. We have been fortunate that my husband 2 sisters are both retired and they stay during the week and my husband and I stay the weekends. We have been very fortunate to be able to care for her but it has worn us all out. She is now in her final stage so it's just a matter of time. She has been saying she wants to go "home" but she is home, but she says that's her 2nd home. I pray for all that is caregivers and patients, this is a horrible disease!
Cj
says
26 May 2023 at 2:25 am
Yes my father 93 the samething happened he had a fall and from then on never walked again We have a good care package for him to stay at home Yes it is hard going to watch your dear loved one fad away.
Kennedy
says
29 March 2023 at 11:01 am
Morning everyone I have my mom at home she 95 with dementia We have had a bad fortnight with the sleep I can cope with the day time the going home have you bought the car how's mom have you seen your dad on the evening starts get my shoes I'm going home now Heartbreaking she is in her own house bedroom loved cared fore conversation hopefully will always be at home If only there is a medication for mom to sleep from nite to morning the anxiety being scared is so sad We are trying everything she's safe but we know at 95 she needs to sleep Also if I did think of her going into care I would still be thinking every minute of the day how is she visiting her then how could I cope leaving her wen she saying are we going now It's hard i know say they will forget Me leaving my mom in care I won't forget so the thought is heartbreaking As a family we all do our bit If only I had the surport for the medication for her sleep and more information from doctors others but there is no answers only care home that just scares me Wen it all starts we going now you just think no sleep also mom will be so anxious
Claire
says
12 March 2023 at 8:50 pm
My Dad (76 years old), has had dementia (Alzheimer’s) for nearly 8 years. My Mum has cared for him for all this time. He is now unable to do anything for himself at all, and he has toilet accidents regularly and wears a pad. It has really started to take its toll on my mum mentally and physically. She is a very active 71 year old and has spent her whole retirement looking after Dad. Dad needs 24/7 care now, and because Mum was struggling recently, we got him assessed. He’s been at the assessment unit for a month and they have recommended that he needs full time care in a care home. We are currently waiting for a placement, but we want somewhere that we can make really homely for him and has excellent care. We feel this is the right decision and in his best interests, but we feel so guilty. Dad is constantly saying he wants to go home and be with his ‘people’. He misses us so much. When we explain to him the reason that he can’t come home, he understands but then he just forgets straight away after. It’s so so sad and even the staff at the assessment centre and SW were in tears at our meeting. He still recognises us all, and when he sees us, he’s so tearful and says how happy he is to see us. He just looks at us longing for us to take him home. We’ve taken him out quite a few times and he is ok going back, but when we are not around he gets angry at the staff and asks to go home. He used to really sleep well at home, but he’s staying awake all night. The whole situation is so heartbreaking. We love Dad dearly and we really want to be able to take him home, but the sheer reality of it is that things are going to get worse and Mum can’t give him the level of care he needs now. Has anyone else had this situation. He’s totally calm around us, and just wants to be with us. I can’t understand how he still knows us and longs to be with us, but he can’t do anything for himself or remember anything else that is said to him. Has anyone else experienced the same thing and will it stop eventually?. He’s been in the assessment unit for 4 weeks. I feel for everyone suffering with this awful disease and for all the loved ones. I’m eaten up by guilt of letting Dad down, but there is no other solution. I could end up with my Mum being really poorly if she runs herself into the ground anymore.
Anonymous
says
13 March 2023 at 9:55 am

Hi Claire,

We're sorry to hear about your dad, it sounds like a very difficult situation for you and your family. Please know that you aren't alone in this, and we're here for you.

We'd recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and provide specific advice and support that's relevant to your situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line

We hope this helps for now, Claire.

Alzheimer's Society website team

Tommy R McBroom
says
19 March 2023 at 12:37 pm
Dad's doc explained to us he's referring to possibly his childhood home. A place where he felt safe using older memories. As brain cells deteriorate, the brain relies on older memories. They're basically going back in time. My Dad had no current memories but could recall vividly memories from 50 years prior.
Sharon
says
20 March 2023 at 9:18 pm
Hi Claire, I’m sorry for the pain you’re enduring. I understand the guilty feelings and the overall sadness involved in this horrible disease. My dad is entering the latest stage and we are meeting with his dr this week to discuss hospice care. It sounds to me as if you’re doing a wonderful job caring for your dad. God bless you in the days, weeks, and months to come.
Kathryn Wilkinson
says
28 March 2023 at 9:21 pm
Hi Claire, I understand completely my mum had Alzheimers and it took a few weeks for her to settle and when she did she was happier, the carers found her a friend and music was the key for them to dance. Mum always knew I belonged to her as we visited weekly. I say persevere a bit longer, the carers should have a couple of people now who just s upply a planned activities with them plus varying themes throughout the year. Gardening too.
Helen
says
17 April 2023 at 4:40 pm
I would be really interested in the reply & advice to this situation as I am in the exact same nightmare … apart from dad went in for respite to give my step mum a break and is now in the care home waiting for an appropriate care home for him. He has deteriorated massively since going in to give his wife a break. He recognises us all and is very emotional all the time - his toilet habits and wandering has always been an issue but struggles to find it now in time, really not sure if he knows he’s in a care home but definitely wants to leave it but not actually asking to go home. How long will this continue as it’s so hard - when we move him I’m hoping we can take him out occasionally… just not sure how he’ll react once out of the care home. They say he needs more 1:1 care at the moment and they can’t meet his needs …. Waiting for a social worker to help us place him in the correct permanent care home. It’s exhausting- just want him to settle …
Claire
says
17 April 2023 at 9:17 pm
Hi Helen, I am so sorry to hear you are facing a similar situation. It’s totally devastating! Dad is still in the assessment centre (9 weeks now) and he has just started to turn a corner and is now sleeping in his bed at night (the last 3 nights). He still misses us all but he does seem more settled. Like your Dad, his care needs are very high and a lot of the homes in our area will not accept him. We are waiting to hear from the social worker whether he can go to a lovely home we have seen that are happy to take him. I miss him everyday, and we wish we could take him home permanently, but that’s just not an option anymore. We are visiting him very regularly and we wanted to take him out regularly, but his health has deteriorated since being away from Mum so that’s not really an option anymore either. To give you some comfort, most of the homes are really nice and you will be allowed to visit your Dad whenever you want. He will settle in the end as well, but apparently it can take up to 6 months. I think in the end, we have to try not to feel guilty and remember that it’s the disease to blame. I really wish your Dad well, please keep me updated on his progress.
Cynthia Firan
says
03 May 2023 at 2:05 am
I’m 75 and my husband is 83. I’ve been his caregiver for five years now because he had a catastrophic stroke.. and has dementia.. He got sick Good Friday and I had to take him to the VA where he was so confused and couldn’t stand anymore.. They sent him to Rehab and that’s where he is now but I can’t move his body anymore and he can’t stand or walk anymore and like yiyr Dad he wants to come home but I can’t care for him.. I can’t transfer him.. I’d need a two assist and a Hoya.. so they are saying long term care and my heart is broken.. he stoped eating and his eyes are so sad.. he’s been having short term memory since the stroke and maybe a few years before.. everyday I cry.. Everyday I pray.. Everyday I feel sad.. Now I wait to see what I can afford and I wait to see the love of my life sad and alone in a nursing home..
Alzheimer's Society
says
04 May 2023 at 5:28 pm

Hi Cynthia, we're sorry to hear about your husband. Please know that we're here to support you.

We'd recommend calling our support line. If you are based in the UK, you can speak to one of our trained dementia advisors by calling 0333 150 3456. They will listen and learn more about your situation, and may be able to provide support or guidance (More information on opening times: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line)

You may also find it helpful to join our online community, Talking Point. Here, carers and other people affected by dementia share their experiences and offer advice to others going through similar situations. You can browse topics within the community or sign up to join the conversation: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk . It’s open day or night and free to use.

We hope this helps, Cynthia. Please do call our support line. 

Alzheimer's Society blog team

 

Valerie Emmett
says
18 May 2023 at 6:10 am
My husband is in a care home now after a situation similar to your own as eventually after many years, I could not care for him at home. It is the hardest thing in the world to do as you think you are breaking up his life and your own from everything you have ever known together. But I am so grateful as the staff in the. Nursing home are so kind and caring. He has got to know them now and I can visit every day and after being there for about six months, I can leave him and only occasionally have these terrible pangs of sadness. I have to take care of everything at home so am very busy. I tell him what I am doing and he listens and I think he understands. The problem with dementia is that I never really know how much he can think about things. I think he sees himself as a patient and although he is bedbound, his surroundings are very pleasant. The staff tell me that he does occasionally lose it and get angry, but most of the time he is fine. The nursing home is expensive and it has taken six months to sort out the finances, but we are just about going to manage it with some help from the LA, some family help and my husbands pension. Wading though all that was a worry but I had a lot of help from my daughters to sort it all out. I am just so grateful that there are such nursing homes with good people working in them. That’s why we must take care of carers and reward them properly They are precious in society as we are all living longer now and need help in our old age. I hope you can resolve things with your husband’s care. Certainly nothing is ever perfect but we can only do our best. In fact that’s an expression my husband used recently when I asked him if he was OK, he said “ I’m doing my best”. which was heartbreaking of course. All good wishes to all.
Gill Johnson
says
04 March 2023 at 9:37 am
My 90 year old Father has been living alone with the help of Carers going in once a day. He’s had 2 falls this week and could not get up off the floor. He had taken his sensor bracelet off so the responders were not aware. I live 3 hours away from him and he’s refused to move which has left me as the only child that cares supports him in a difficult position🤦‍♀️ I have put him into a wonderful respite place near Toni’s home which he can stay long term. He looks so much better already. My problem is dealing with the guilt as he seems happy when he doesn’t know I’m there (his eyesight isn’t good) but yesterday alone for a few minutes he says he’s not stopping he wants to go home or he might as well be dead. He has only been there since Wednesday. He does have mild dementia so forgets things but other times he’s stubborn and just seems normal, taking it out on me and being selfish when I’m the only person whose been caring for him for years, 6 -7 hours in a car when I visit him which is regularly.
Chizoma Chidiebere Agwazim
says
17 February 2023 at 1:57 am
It's quite challenging but this is the best and only way of keeping them safe and meeting other people daily instead of been kept all alone in a box.
Princess Prout
says
15 February 2023 at 1:01 pm
Hello alzheimers.org.uk admin, Keep up the good work, admin!
David Thomas
says
12 February 2023 at 1:52 pm
I lived with Dorreen who has dementia for 39 years. In July 2019 I needed to go out of town for 2 of 3 days. Her daughter in law could not look after her. So we took her to a residential home for those 3 days. When I went to collect her I was told that she had a urin infection and to leave her there for another week so that they could treat it. Following week same thing. This went on for about a month. Eventually I was told that they and social services had decided to keep her there. I suggest that people be very wary of respite care even for a few days. I promised her that I would fetch her home after a few days. She is still there. I have been made into a liar and a traitor to her and yet all I want is her to come back home. Unfortunately, they got coronavirus there three years ago. She was kept in her room for a month. When they let her into the rest of the building her speech was garbled. David Thomas.
Sandra goldsmith
says
25 February 2023 at 1:37 pm
I would agree, once in care homes, local authorities are reluctant to let them go. I had same horrific experience. All I wanted was to bring mam home after respite.. During lockdowns etc. I was ignored by social worker for months for her then to decide mam needed 24hr care. I fought it through court of protection but by time mam had been isolated so many times her condition worsened. Be careful with respite care
George Evans
says
09 February 2023 at 1:37 pm
My Lady regularly says the she's going home to do her jobs. I have several responses...with surprise! I thought we were having a cup of tea first? or if we've been out to one of our Daughters, " well it's a good job I brought you home then isn't it?" another one is "I thought that was after tea "dinner"? or "can we go after Natty, (Tracey, Stewart, Michael ) have been?
Sephora
says
07 February 2023 at 8:14 pm
My dad, when he was staying with me, he was asking more to go to his daycare (nursing home) which is in a different country , he also was asking about who is looking after his house ...etc He often asks these questions when he gets bored, and I found taking him out for a walk in the park made him feel a lot better , and slept well at night ! Also on rainy days we spent time playing dominos he loves that ! All he needed is distraction from those thoughts and talking .
Janet Patricia Fishwick
says
07 February 2023 at 7:15 pm
My 95 year old mother had lived on her own for 32 years since dad died. She had stage 5 Alzheimer’s , carers, a care package and social workers since 2014. Mother was stubborn, difficult , in full denial of her condition.and refused all offers of safety in her bungalow. She refused to consider going into Care. After a fall in June. she was finally admitted into hospital for 3 weeks, and assessed as unfit to return home . Mother was placed into a Care Home in August 2022. She frequently asked to go home but we told her that she was in the best place because we, her family , could no longer provide more care or support for her. Mother seemed to grasp this concept and her requests to return home became less frequent as her capacity declined. Mother passed away in December after a chest infection. In the Care Home she received constant care and medication from a team of dedicated Staff. We , her family are relieved that her last days were spent in a caring and professional environment. .
Janet Coy
says
07 February 2023 at 6:52 pm
I am a retired social worker and for over 21 years I dealt with people living with dementia of many sorts. As previous contributors have stated 'home' could be anywhere. I used t o give examples of this to colleagues/students etc. Many years ago I was asked to visit a client in a Cheshire care home, she was previously living in London, but her daughter lived in Cheshire. Daughter explained that Mum was always asking to go home but her previous tenancy had been given up. Mum stated she wanted to go home and when asked where home was gave an address which did not tally with our records. When asked who was at home replied her 2 school aged daughters and husband. Transpired that 'home' was where she had lived some 40 years ago. I called this my 'Dr. Who' Theory', if you could find out which era the Tardis had landed in every thing else made sense. My theory was used in various training sessions from there on.
Marion Green
says
09 February 2023 at 7:51 am
My mother, in a care home , frequently says she wants to go home and has mentioned a village where she lived twenty five years ago. She thinks of cycling to the shop, totally unaware that she is 97 years old and in a wheelchair.
Linda Wright
says
26 February 2023 at 3:04 am
So true. My 98 yr old mother has dementia. She is now safe & very well catered for with everything, but on most occasions when I visit, the inevitable question: 'have you got your car here?' I know what's coming next so I have to establish which home she means. Sometimes her most recent family (our childhood) home. Sometimes the home prior to that (left there when I was 8 yrs old). Often it is her childhood home and she will sometimes mention her Mum & Dad. I looked this up and showed her photos of the house and she could remember the road along the top and that there was a side road just one house down. The damily house was the middle of 3. By establishing where she was thinking helpee the rest of the conversation; usually 'it's too late to leave now as it's dark' etc. Maybe tomorrow, hy which time we may have the same conversation, but it doesn't matter. I have picked up so many tips and learnt a lot by google searching, as well as remembering how my mother dealt with elderly confused patients when she was a geriatric sister. It is a wonderful world they live in.
Yvonne Mikulencak
says
07 February 2023 at 6:16 pm
I have beginning Alzheimer’s. My mother did too. If you take care of them properly, they will be happy. My mother had bedsores from lack of proper care. We took her out of the place. She liked the new one we found with proper care. If you abuse anyone, they need to be removed immediately!
Tim
says
29 January 2023 at 12:16 pm
My Dad is always asking to go home, and currently he is at home. He can’t explain where home is and usually seems to not know who I am at the time and looks at me suspiciously. It’s usually when he is sun downing and after his has his evening meal, and he is exhausted by this time but won’t go to bed and so agitated. I have recently bought him a robot cat and it does seem to distract him and he will go back to the sofa when it starts to Meow. He used to be married and has other children and I think he seems to think he should be there now, and sadly he has no contact with any of them. He is getting to the stage my Mum is getting burn out for doing so much for so long so a placement will be coming shortly, and I am sure still he will be asking to go home at this time, but as we know he does this at home I am guessing the pain of the question will not be quite as painful. I am concerned over the transition to changing from home to a care environment though, and also if it is right or wrong to being him home on occasion? My Mum feels he won’t want to go back but I think he will as he is very agreeable to go along with what we ask and we are fortunate with this. Is there a time we should visit less initially when moving so he can settle in new environment etc? Sorry I may have gone off on a slight diversion here!
Lisa
says
22 February 2023 at 7:39 pm
He will need the support of his family as part of the process to settle in at his new "home". So please don't avoid visiting so that he does not feel abandoned. Moves are scary for all of us. I have no doubt that the transition process will be difficult for you all. Time spent with him after placement may actually be a bit better because Mum will be more rested. As for bringing him home after he has been moved. It may be best to wait a little and see how he adjusts. I have experienced many many transitions in my career and there is a switch that goes off within people. Initially he may ask to go home, to the home that is familiar now, and then after about 3-6 weeks there will be a change where the care home becomes what he is familiar with and where he feels comfortable and when you take him out he will ask to return.
Liz
says
21 January 2023 at 6:46 pm
My dad with dementia and in care always asked to go home. Not to be a Pollyanna about it (so much of his decline was heartbreaking and hard for us), but when I responded, "Oh, yes, home. Remind me, dad, where is it again? I've forgotten," he would go on about the home he had when he was a kid. I could ask him loads more questions (who lived next door, how was the place heated, what was his favourite room) and he'd respond. His whole life, he was a very shuttered, closed man about his past. I checked with my mum, and she said all his answers were what she remembered of his childhood too (they grew up in the same small neighbourhood). I try to think about these answers as a very strange gift. He's passed away now, his suffering is over. I still value these conversations, even if they always ended with him still wanting to go home.