Dementia Support Line
Advice
‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care
Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'
It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to say they want to go home. This may be caused by time-shifting or general confusion, and can be distressing for everyone.
Below are a few considerations on what to say to someone in this situation who wants to go home.
5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home
1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'
For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself.
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist.
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.
If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.
Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past.
Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.
2. Reassure them of their safety
The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place.
Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe.
It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.
3. Try diverting the conversation
Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone. Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety.
It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....'
Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk.
4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely
A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.
Think about whether the person with dementia is happy or unhappy when they mention going home. If they are unhappy, it may be possible to discover why. If they cannot tell you why, perhaps a member of the staff or another resident knows why.
Like anyone, someone with dementia may act out of character to the people closest to them as a result of a bad mood or bad day.
Does the person with dementia keep talking about going home when people are not visiting them in the care home? Does he or she seem to have settled otherwise? Ask the staff in the home as they may know.
5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home
Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?
If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.
This article was first published in 2018 and most recently updated in January 2024.
How can dementia change a person's perception?
People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting
Marilyn
saysMy Mom lived with my sister for 34 years. She got sick last summer and now lives in a home with about 100 people. She has a beautiful room and the staff look after her wonderfully. I know my sister could not look after her anymore, her physical needs were too great. She has improved much in health living there but now she calls everyday wanting to go home because she knows she is physically improved. She is 86. Tonight she called and was crying saying she doesn't want to live there anymore and wants to go home. She is now calling almost everyday wanting to go home and when I visit her at least three times a week she wants to go home. Tonight was really bad! I'm feeling so guilty. I love her so much but I cannot look after her. When she lived with my sister no one had a life. Someone had to be with her Day and night. My sister and I are wits end. Hearing her plead to go home is just so hard! Any advice would be helpful.
Erin
saysI am in a similar space. My mom was living alone and refused to leave her house and “things” but was having hallucinations and not eating —even when I brought her ready made food. She finally asked to leave and I moved her quickly into a group home with 3 other women with dementia and a full time nurse. I thought this would be best because she would perceive a larger facility as being “put away.” Now she has been there about 6 weeks and with regular healthy meals has more lucid moments where she rants about going home and it makes me doubt that she belongs there even though I know it’s right. There is nothing about dementia that makes sense or is easy.
Cynthia Sabella
saysOn November 16th I lost my older brother to dementia and cancer related illness. On December 10th I lost my older sister to dementia. Within 3 weeks I feel like my life has been wiped out. My parents are deceased so it's only me of our family left and I feel so lost. My sister wasn't safe at her apartment so I had to put her into a memory care home. I don't know how to process losing 2 of them. They were my friend's, my co-horts, there were my past, my present, my future. I was my sister's principal caregiver for 20 years and the void in my life now is what do I do who do I take care of. I know me but having trouble with the loneliness of losing them. I didn't realize how close my sister was to the end stages of dementia. I feel lost on how to grieve them.
Anonymous
saysHi Cynthia,
We are so very sorry to learn about the devastating loss you're dealing with. This must be an incredibly difficult time for you.
If you are based in the UK, please call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 if you need any emotional support. Our dementia advisers are here to listen when you need them: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
Some people also find it helps to talk with other people who have gone through or are going through similar experiences. If you think this would help, you can visit our online community, Talking Point, for peer support: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
We hope this is helpful, Cynthia.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Shelley
saysI am so sorry for your losses . I just can’t imagine your sadness . I’m sending a virtual hug your way . You must have been a wonderful sister to have taken care of your siblings for so long . May God ease your pain .
alex
sayshow are you doing? im so sorry all this is happening. My father has it and im struggling.... i send you lots of strength.
Lori whitney
saysSometimes getting a pet dog or a cat can be very helpful praying reading and forgiving yourself you did the best you could .take care .i havent lost my mother yet but i am exausted
Tina
saysMy dad has dementia. He has started talking about going home. When he is home. He's determined he's not home. We keep telling him he's home. He says no I'm not. We need major help/advice
Anonymous
saysHi Tina,
We'd recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. Our advisers can listen to the situation and provide information and support. They are here for you seven days a week: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also benefit from talking with other people affected by dementia within our online community. Talking Point is free to use, and open day or night: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/ People with dementia, carers and others affected by the condition use Talking Point to share their own experiences.
We hope this is helpful for now.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Someone who cares
saysI wanted to offer some advice for people who struggle to communicate with their loved ones. I hope this helps you in some small way 💚
I am an Ambulance Care Assistant, my role is to transport patients to and from their appointments, this also includes to and from care homes and we frequently transport patients with Dementia. This often involves having conversations.
Firstly, I think its important to emphasize that a person who has dementia does have an illness, its easy to forget this when we converse and when we so desperately want to hold a normal conversation with them, sadly they are not well and I think it is right to remind ourselves of this when we speak with them. Being patient, kind and compassionate, I've found to be very helpful.
If they are in a wheelchair I often kneel down to their eye level, and at a respectful distance speak with them whilst maintaining eye contact - 'kind eyes' are so, so important. Speak 'with' them and not 'at' them.
Gently holding a hand if appropriate and constant reassurance that they are safe are very helpful too. I've found that they often like to feel physically safe, without feeling restrained. Often there is a fear of falling. If seated, a supportive and comfortable chair can help with this reassurance.
The most effective communication method I found, is to talk about their youth or their first job. Often they can recall long term 'engrained' memories. These conversations can last a couple of minutes. Often there is repetition, and this is to be expected. Continue to be patient and kind and remember that they are not well, its easy to think that the person will suddenly be fully engaged. Sometimes they might, sometimes they might not, and this is okay - don't beat yourself up over this - guilt and sadness are common emotions, rest assured just being there will be very helpful, even if you have moments of silence.
So, in summary:
Be Patient
Be Kind
Remember that they are not well
Reassure them that they're safe
Eye contact
Expect repetition
Try talking about the distant past, for example "tell me about your first job?"
I hope this helps
Karen
saysVery kind and compassionate information.
My mom is so scared of all she is loosing and to know there are people like you out there..heartfelt thanks.
James Mullen
saysMy wife has Dementia and she also says this all the time. It's, home, is pretty much where she feels would be a safe, comfortable place at that time, I believe. I don't really know but I've asked her if that would be with Jesus and she says yes and then I'll ask if that's where her family is and she'll say yes. You just try to keep them happy. Of course that isn't easy. She can make life hard on us, her daughter lives with us now to help out. , when she is in that frustrating place . That's when home is going to the store, it's hard to go anywhere because she wants to go. She doesn't have a clue as to what COVID-19 is, nor does she care, but the fact is she has a really hard time walking. She doesn't like her walker and won't use it. This is all so hard. She has recently been diagnosed with stomach cancer and been given 6 months to a year. I'm sitting here writing this with a catheter in me with a bag that leaks. It just keeps getting worse. But what do we do. we keep plugging along and love her to the end. With her repetitive questions, "what are you doing" , "where are you going", & "I wanna go home" and walking around with her purse aready in case someone goes somewhere. If a stranger comes to the door she'll ask him when he leaves if she can go with him. It drives us crazy but we Love Her. And I know all to well, when she's not here I will miss her greatly.
Nancy
saysI am in the same exact place you are ! With mom . If you guys are believers in Christ then you know where she is going 😍 my mom is still very healthy in body but her mind is completely gone . I still don’t know how to answer when she wants to go home ! God bless you . Thanks for sharing
Barbara
saysI find myself (and my very supportive husband) are in a very similar situation as Nancy and James. My 90yo mother has been moved several hundred miles from her home to ours after we buried her husband of 30 years this past Thanksgiving. Her physical condition was immensely deteriorated and living atmosphere was very unsettling and unsafe. My husband travels for work each week; and every time he returns, she insists on being "dropped off at the airport". Alternatively, she threatens to hitchhike, take the train, find a stranger on the street to assist, etc. There are definitely good days and challenging days/moments. For the most part, she is very sweet. Recently, mom became very agitated about going home, so I suggested that many people have more than one home; and, while hugging her I reminded her that while she is at THIS home, she will be getting daily hugs, go on walks, go out to dinner, share lunchtime, and never be totally alone. It resonated with her, so I went one step further and told her that my husband and I were actually giving her this home as her own. (It is actually a little cottage on our property that mom and her little dog now occupy; but even if she didn't have a separate living space of her own, what would be the harm in letting her believe the house belongs to her? ) This made her hesitate, consider the "offer", and immediately brightened her mood. Next step: making a plaque to hang outside her door that reads "Marion's Cottage" along with a little cutout of a dog with her dog's name painted on. Best of luck to everyone here who is struggling with and simultaneously enjoying the honor of giving back to our loved ones. It is truly a labor of love.
Mariah
saysThis has been really helpful. Our thoughts are with you and your family. Our family is experiencing the need to go home moment a lot lately and it’s been a huge shake up from the normal. Feeling like other people are in it too is huge for us.
Miriam
saysMy mom has dementia, i been taken care of her for 8 years all by myself with 2 brothers and 3 sisters no help, my father passed away 7 years ago, everyday she pack her clothes and cried to go home with him it breaks my heart i tell her daddy home watch over you then we talk i show her pictures and she remember for 5 minutes and again she wants to go home i calm her down and tell her mom lets go watch TV we go to the room, i look at her and she crying that she's scare for me to sleep with her i do until she fall asleep, she is bound to a wheelchair, if it not raining i take her out she loves that ( i push her in the wheelchair ) no car.. I love my mom.
No Nursery Home. Is Big Enough For Her.
All i need is prayers. Thank You.
RB
saysKnow that I am praying for the two of you everyday. I will also pray that your siblings find a way to share in the care and enjoyment of being with your mom. Remember to take care of you too.
Gina Fleisher
saysMy parents are in memory care in a wonderful facility. My dad calls me regularly and tells me he wants to go home. He means his home where he lived. I try to tell him he is in the best place for them. I tell him when he was home he was falling and lonely without my mom. He still insists on wanting to go home. Today he said is this where we are going to be forever? I said yes. He was upset and it made me sad. I wish I had the right words to help him through this transition.
Bill Terry
saysMy wife goes on walk abouts, My daughter picks her up when I ring and tell her..But my daughter takes her to their house and keeps her there for days I think for spite when I want my wife home, what on earth can I do?
Anonymous
saysHello Bill,
Thanks for getting in touch. This sounds like a very difficult and upsetting situation. We would recommend calling the Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 and speak with a dementia adviser. They can listen to the current situation between you, your wife and your daughter, and provide information and support: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You may also benefit from our online community, Talking Point. People affected by dementia, including carers and family members, share their experiences and insight. You can ask questions of the community, or just read what other people have to say: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
In the meantime, in case it is useful, our advice on walking about is available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/wal…
We hope this is helpful for now, Bill.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Chris Dymond
saysI managed to get my mum In care home in August,due to covid I can't visit. Apparently she is not settled and won't socialize,I feel so guilty and sad because wants to go home. Not sure where sure where she thinks home is as she stays with me for a while,when her partner was in hospital
Penny Bohlen
saysHow did you manage to get your mom into a care home and how long did it take?
Chris Dymond
saysShe was booked in by social services for 22nd August for respite care ,because her partner was going into hospital. He went in 10 days early so she stayed with us for those 10 days. She had to have a covid test ( negative ) so they accepted her on 22nd, but had to quarantine for 14 days in the home . I then had to get social services to do a mental capacity test on her,all was completed by 9th October . Hope this helps
Karen
saysMy mom is packing to move. She has taken everything off the walls stuffed drawers with things that were in the kitchen and on dressers. I can’t explain that she is home and it is hard to find her clothes with this “moving” mode.
Natalie Miller
saysMy Mother is 69. Diagnosed with Dementia several yrs ago. She also went thru the packing bags and her purse with everything but the kitchen sink! Every day she took with her bags of clothes, yarn, towels, books, etc. We couldn't ever find anything! Sometimes the house phone and TV remote! She doesn't do this anymore. She has declined and all she really knows is this... " when she gets her shoes on, she's READY to go! But she doesn't go in anywhere due to COVID but her favorite things to do is ride, listen to old music, and eat Cheeseburgers & M&M's. It still holds true, "if Mama ain't happy, nobody's happy!" At this point she eats whatever she wants! Even tho she may say she's not hungry, she's hungry! These days, no means yes. :( it's unreal this mean disease needs a cure. Blessings to all caregivers and your patients and patience!
Barbara
saysThere is a thing called "rummaging" that affects some memory loss individuals. It is a sign of boredom. Turn her chaos into a reverse activity as she "unpacks" and puts things in their right place. It may help her feel "useful" (as does this seemingly disruptive behavior). Repetition of this activity is to be expected.
Chistine Brennan
saysMy mother asks every night to go home although she lives in her bungalow with my brother, she thinks my brother is either her mother or my father both have died, it is quite heartbreaking and I don’t know how to answer her without always saying mam this is your home, look that’s your settee that’s your tv etc she gets very upset and tells me to stop lying and to get her coat and take her home, it’s even starting in the daytime now I just want advice on how to deal with this the proper way and not for her to feel scared thank you
Anonymous
saysHi Christine,
We'd recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 for advice, information and emotional support. Our dementia advisers are here to listen and provide support when you need them: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
Some people also find it helps to talk with other people who have gone through or are going through similar experiences. If you think this would help, you can visit our online community, Talking Point, for peer support: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
We hope this is helpful, Christine.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Iain Reardon
saysMy mother says the same.she is 92 with alzheimer's. I tell her I cant take her home tonight but will pick her up a 9.30 tomorrow and take her home.this usually works and takes her mind off it.
Hope this is some help to you in a difficult situation.
Tracey
saysI work for a Careline, and we have no real training in how to deal with these particular clients.
I do have a few that call from the moment they carers leave till they arrive again. So this was really informative. If you have any other tips in how I can verbally reassure them over the life line that would be great
BestDogMom
saysI've been caring for my 87 yr old mother several years....with Dementia and Parkinson's etc. I've experienced all the mentioned things I've read on here so far. My sister would sometimes drive mama around the neighborhood and point, say and name places "on the way home". We wrote her address down and gave her some keys on a keychain to hold. She'd carry it around all night.
This does usually occur when very anxious (not secure). My mother would walk a million miles all night long sometimes downstairs, only to be in delirium in the morning a lot. I'm just suggesting that someone may want to get them to a geriatric psychiatrist.....as they prescribed a very small dose of Remeron for at night. Now it doesn't make everything go away, and there is no cure, but I saw a quick improvement within the first week and then two. She was more alert and more in the here and now, and started sleeping first third of the night and then like the last third of the night till morning. There are a lot more "scenarios" could mention--- The Remeron did help with her anxiety and the agitation etc. She even got up to wash dishes one morning. I'd suggest this instead of some of the anti-psychotic drugs that some people get for them (I read and read and read and researched for anything and everything. One doctor said that magnesium and vitamin C together helps neurotransmitters in the brain. I did not get a chance to start that........as my mama went to heaven 3 days ago. Father God will now take care of her for me, but I feel VERY lost and MISS her, as tending to her is all I've known many years. I know it's ALL "challenging" ....to say that is mild......just go RIGHT NOW and squeeze your loved one and tell them how much you love them!
Mart
saysI just read your post and I wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your lost my wife recently was diagnosed w young on set Dementia and you are right I hold her every day and tell her how much I love her and when she forgets who IAM I always tell her just know that I love you and I'm here to keep you safe
Patty
saysI’m so sorry for your loss
Sara Miller
saysI think when my husband asks to go home he is feeling unsafe. I try to reassure him he is in a safe place. I take about how and why we are in a safe place. It seems to calm him. Also sometimes I take him for a ride and it resets his sense of location.
This works sometimes not always of course. I don't believe we make our loved ones feel unsafe, but their confusion makes them feel that way. Understandably!
Jonathan
saysI am currently a caretaker for my son's great grandma. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers about about 5 years ago after many years of her husband refusing to take her to a doctor. Sadly he has passed away and the family has become the primary caretakers. She is unable to be placed anywhere due to covid. I'm not related to the family by blood but I have a history of my mom being an live in aid for the disease. She is currently asking to go home about every 2 minutes. I've tried to look at the emotion and not the words but nothing seems to calm her. She wont' partake in any activities and I can't think of anything to help her. She is barley able to hold a conversation without it leading back to asking about home. If there are anymore tips or advice that would be greatly appreciated.
Anonymous
saysHi Jonathan,
We'd recommend visiting our online community, Talking Point, where carers and other people affected by dementia can share their experiences and receive peer support: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-talking-point-our-on… You may find more tips and advice here that could be useful.
We hope this helps,
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Kriss Carson
saysHang in there. You (we) can do it!!!
Christine
saysI’ve been told not to try to convince them of anything that is not happening. My Dad is asking to go home and the nurse told me to say, its up to the Dr., but it won’t be today. You need to stay here tonight.
Christine
saysMy Father has dementia and it is heartbreaking. Its getting harder and harder to redirect the conversation when he asks to go home. . I’ve learned to ask questions about his childhood in the farm where he thinks his parents are still living. If people have depression all their lives they still need antidepressants to the person whose taking care if the person that had no interest in anything but going home. A Geriatric Psychiatrist should do an evaluation. Medication can help tremendously. I’ve been reading up on the disease and it really is heartbreaking what a dementia patient and their family gors through. They are lost and confused.
Don Carlisle
saysIt was so heartening to read this just now...sometimes I feel like I'm all a lone with the situation I'm dealing with....this is exactly what I'm going through with my Dad. He asks to go home everyday and is very determined and difficult to redirect.. He currently is in an assisted living home but they have decided its time I move him to memory care facility....this is going to be the hardest transition...I have so much anxiety about this ..... he's so clear sometimes about going home I'm afraid at some point things will turn and he'll feel I'm not trying to help him....
As cruel as this sounds....sometimes I just want the phone to stop ringing with his number...
Frances Gillion
saysI have just put my husband of 54 years in a facility. I never thought a heart could hurt sooo much. Because of COVID he was in hospital and I had trouble finding a good facility. So he went in by himself is in a room being quarantined alone. I can go see him thru a window but the only conversation is Please Please take me home. By the time I leave his window I’m a basket case. Saying all this it helps me to hear I’m not alone.
Anonymous
saysHello Frances,
It sounds like you're going through such a difficult time. Please call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 if you need any emotional support. Our dementia advisers are here to listen when you need them: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
Some people also find it helps to talk with other people who have gone through or are going through similar experiences. If you think this would help, you can visit our online community, Talking Point, for peer support: https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/
We hope this is helpful, Frances. Please remember you are not alone.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Jo Holt
saysVery informative, came across this by chance as my elderly father with dementia has asked "to go home" each day. He lives alone & can barely walk now. He dresses himself still but everything is put on inside out or back to front. I care for him 80% of the week & my brother does the 20% . My father has gone downhill in the last 6 months and even thinks someone else is in his bed at night, so won't sleep in it. We have to make his food each day as can no longer use cooker/microwave. We don't want him to go into a home & neither do he. He is very down as he just sits in his chair day in, day out. Its a sad situation & I am losing my Dad every day
Anonymous
saysHi Jo,
Thanks for your comment. We are really sorry to hear you're going through such a difficult time, but we're glad this blog post was informative.
Please know that you can always call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456 for more information, advice and support specific to your Dad's situation. More details about the support line (including opening hours) is available here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this is helpful,
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Kriss Carson
saysI understand your pain. Going through the loss of relationship with my Mom, and we were very close. Hang in there, ok. You can do it!
Lynn
saysMy husband is in a care home with dementia, his careers live out and go in each shift to care for him(beautifully) I visit three or four times a week I have been shielding since February and just go out to visit him.It seems cruel not being able to hold his hand or hug him,for me as well as him, Not fair when I am exposed to just myself and my daughter whilst the staff go home and their family life and can touch him.
marci
saysI am so great full for the article and comments. My mom was diagnosed with dementia not sure if good or not but I call her (LOLA) just despise saying dementia. I took care of her for a year , now she lives with sister and I help and more than happy to spend time with her twice a week.
It saddens me to see her in one quick year , deteriorate the way she has. Because of articles and comments I have learned to re assure her constantly we love her, she is protected and we are here for her no matter what.
Stay positive and sometimes do something for you, emotionally is a roller ride.
Always remember what she, he did for you when you depended on them.