Man in a care home

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‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

Here are some ways family members and primary carers can approach the difficult question, 'What do I say to someone with dementia in residential care who wants to go home?'

22 January 2024
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It's not uncommon for a person with dementia to say they want to go home. This may be caused by time-shifting or general confusion, and can be distressing for everyone. 

Below are a few considerations on what to say to someone in this situation who wants to go home. 

5 things to remember when someone with dementia is asking to go home

1. Avoid arguing about whether they are already ‘home'

For a person with dementia, the term 'home' may describe something more than the place they currently live. Often when a person with dementia asks to go home it refers to the sense of ’home’ rather than home itself. 
 
‘Home’ may represent memories of a time or place that was comfortable and secure and where they felt relaxed and happier. It could also be an indefinable place that may not physically exist.  
 
It’s usually best not to try to reason or disagree with the person about where their home is.

If they don't recognise their environment as 'home' at that moment, then for that moment, it isn't home.

Try to understand and acknowledge the feelings behind the wish to go home. Find out where 'home' is for them - it might not be the last place they lived. It could be where they lived before moving recently or it could be somewhere from their distant past. 

Often people with dementia describe 'home' as a pleasant, peaceful or idyllic place where they were happy. They could be encouraged to talk about why they were happy there. This can give an idea as to what they might need to feel better.

2. Reassure them of their safety

The desire to go home is probably the same desire anyone would have if we found ourselves in an unfamiliar place. 

Reassure the person verbally, and possibly with arm touches or handholding if this feels appropriate. Let the person know that they are safe. 

It may help to provide reassurance that the person is still cared about. They may be living somewhere different from where they lived before, and need to know they’re cared for.

3. Try diverting the conversation

Keep a photograph album handy. This could be a physical book or photos on a tablet or smartphone.  Sometimes looking at pictures from the past and being given the chance to reminisce will ease the person’s feelings of anxiety. 

It might be best to avoid asking questions about the pictures or the past, instead trying to make comments: 'That looks like Uncle Fred. Granny told me about the time he....' 

Alternatively, you could try shifting the person's focus from home to something else - such as food, music, or other activities, such as going for a walk. 

4. Establish whether or not they are feeling unhappy or lonely

A person with dementia may want to 'go home' because of feelings of anxiety, insecurity, depression or fear.

Our dementia advisers are here for you.
0333 150 3456

Think about whether the person with dementia is happy or unhappy when they mention going home. If they are unhappy, it may be possible to discover why. If they cannot tell you why, perhaps a member of the staff or another resident knows why. 

Like anyone, someone with dementia may act out of character to the people closest to them as a result of a bad mood or bad day. 

Does the person with dementia keep talking about going home when people are not visiting them in the care home? Does he or she seem to have settled otherwise? Ask the staff in the home as they may know.

5. Keep a log of when they are asking to go home

Certain times of the day might be worse than others. What seems to be the common denominator about these times? Is it near meal times (and would a snack perhaps help)? Is it during times when the environment is noisier than usual? Is it later in the day and possibly due to ‘sundowning’?

If you see a pattern, you can take steps to lessen or avoid some of the triggers.

This article was first published in 2018 and most recently updated in January 2024.

How can dementia change a person's perception?

People with dementia experience changes in how they perceive things. This includes misperceptions and misidentifications, hallucinations, delusions and time-shifting

Read more
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604 comments

Nick
says
16 July 2023 at 12:47 am
My dad (aged 76) has gone downhill rapidly. I’ve followed much of the advice on this site. He lives in the family home but repeatedly ‘Wants to go home’. His coordination is very poor and he struggles to walk. He is aggressive towards mum (aged 77) and I worry about both of them as I don’t live with them. Dad falls and we have to get an ambulance or help. I don’t know my dad anymore as it is so shocking the change in him. I love them both totally and want to help but am struggling.
Veronica
says
17 July 2023 at 9:42 pm
I am experiencing the same thing with my dad (77) regarding a quick decline. It’s shocking and sad and we are having to talk about next steps already. He was only diagnosed a little over a year ago.
Sue
says
23 July 2023 at 11:37 am
It’s awful my dads 94 and his behaviours , hallucinating and getting argumentative towards my 91 yr old mother. He went into respite to give us a rest and his behaviour has escalated and is so verbally aggressive to everyone including his family . He’s now transferred to a care home with a dementia unit and still challenging . He’s refusing to eat , take his meds , drink and lost so much weight 😢 but I can’t manage his behaviour at home and care for my mother . The guilt is awful .
Linda Scadron-Wattles
says
03 July 2023 at 9:03 am
My mom has a new husband of 20 years. She was married to my dad for 60 before he died. Mom now has dementia. She is moving to a memory care facility and her new husband will not be visiting. Should I bring her pictures of both people? Is it worse to be reminded of first marriage which was not as loving as this current one?
Heather
says
29 June 2023 at 11:07 am
Hi! I need help. I am a full time caregiver to my grandmother who has late stage lewy body dementia. She has lived in the same house for 50+ years and constantly wants to go home. I have tried everything to distract her, holding her hand to reassure her she is safe, asking her to describe home, explaining she is home, and taking her out. A lot of the time she just keeps repeating she wants to go home and it's like she doesn't hear me. She also does this with everything else. She keeps repeating herself and it's like she gets stuck in a thought and can't comprehend what I am saying. It's tough to see her so incredibly confused. Any advice? I just want her to be happy and feel secure. In addition, sometimes I take her out and that night she is so overstimulated she cannot settle and appears overstimulated. Then the next couple of days and nights all she does is sleep. I would feel terrible if I could not take her out because she dearly loves it. What are some ways I can help her relax after a morning out?
John Miles
says
09 July 2023 at 9:49 am
I have exactly the same problem. My wife Eve is in a care home and is treated extremely well. I have taken her out for a drive and a coffee, even taken her home on one occasion. When I take her back to the Care Home the staff say she becomes very agitated, unsettled and close to violent. I have been advised not to take her home but to take her for a drive for about one hour, not to often. I have been advised to cut down on my visits as this to causes confusion. I feel very sad about this situation. I now have to live alone, I have join a few clubs but evenings are dreadful, I have too much time to think of good past times, and of course the present time. John Miles.
Ross
says
14 July 2023 at 9:27 am
Thank you for opening up so honestly, John. It is a cruel disease, but you have the gift and curse of carrying that love the two of you nurtured over all those years now. There might not be any easy solution to this current problem, that is likely to be part of the progression of the disease (however if it is very acute, ensuring reversible causes for that including a urine infection are not dismissed). You need to do what feels right for you, and ponder on what Eve would be saying is best, were her mind still intact. It’s likely I would imagine, that she would say you owe it to yourself to seek happiness, and connection with others is so important for that. The same bravery you showed in expressing your vulnerability here, would also be good to share with your GP, as these days they often have access to social prescribers, that can link you in with people to talk to and meet up with, that could bring you some peace and comfort - that might be more rewarding ultimately, than speaking to the void here! Another more left field thought is to ask a friend or family member you know who has a dog to perhaps look after them once in a while; their silent companionship in lonely hours can help fend off dark thoughts. Take care, Ross
Riva
says
26 July 2023 at 9:11 am
Hi, I am so sorry for all you are going through. I have my mom with dementia living in a nursing facility for few years now, I had to move her out of 3 places before finding her the right place.. One of the places my mom was so agitated and upset, the staff told me to avoid going to visit her because was causing her to get confused. I got very suspicious and ended up moving my Mom out of that place. Once in the new place now she is calmer, stopped the agitation and yelling.
Laura
says
24 June 2023 at 3:27 pm
I feel so bad leaving my mom( 93 yrs old) in long term care facility. Mom repeats herself a lot or is very quiet . It’s hard to have conversations with her. I see she tries and I try to think of things to say not to upset her. She feels she doesn’t need and doesn’t want to be there she wants to go home. ( understandably) She asks how long she has been there and when is she going home, I explain that the doctors feel it’s better for her to stay there wit 24 hour care. It doesn’t appease her.
Lisa
says
05 July 2023 at 10:29 pm
I introduced a comfort object in mums case a Paddington bear she loves him and he helps her communicate and give care and receive comfort I had to make a whole story around it sending a letter from his aunt Lucy and writing letters to his aunt Lucy my family thought I’d gone mad but mum takes great comfort from him especially when I’m leaving, I ask her to look after him and she does she hugs him and says things like “ we’re ok aren’t we Pads or are you cold Pads indicating she’s chilly, I’ve brought Paddington books that she flicks through or reads them to him, for my texture is important and his soft bear fur and felt hat also give her something sensory, Paddington in now part of the family and recently even wore a Tuxedo to a family wedding
Martin Sach
says
20 June 2023 at 1:23 am
I accept of course that there is no easy answer here but it is not helpful at all to say that if the person doesn't think they are at home then it isn't home for them. My sufferer is articulate and insistent in his demands that I take him home and utterly sure that he doesn't live in the house. He has lived there over 20 years. It is impossible to comply with his wishes, and distraction doesn't work, so an argument is almost impossible to avoid. I would welcome practical advice, there is none above alas.
Sarah Marie
says
21 June 2023 at 6:45 pm
Hi Martin, my dad is exactly the same, it took me 1 hour to get out of the door today and I tried/said everything but still ended in an argument and 3/4 staff to escort him away from me and the door as I was exhausted. Sometimes he’s fine when I leave, other times he’s so adamant. It’s not only upsetting for us but frustrating too as all I want is for him to feel happy and safe. I understand you’re looking for any advice, I unfortunately don’t have any but it’s helpful to know there is other people struggling with this.
Stacey
says
03 July 2023 at 5:35 pm
Wat we learned with my grandmother is to say dat ur goingvtobthe toilet nd tell the nurse u are sneaky out dey will keep him occupied while u leave I know it sounds horrible but it to hard telling dembur going home cause dey only want to come with ya it's the best thing me nd my family started doing as der is no fighting nd crying out of them u can just walk out the door but plz dnt ever feel guilty as we all do the best we can to look after them do plz dnt feel guilty 🙏
Martin Sach
says
04 July 2023 at 9:43 am
Hi Stacy thatt's a good strategy when a person is in a care home. Unfortunately my father is in his own home and I cannot leave without him seeing me getting in my car! Trying to understand and be reassuring is all good but doesn't work. He wants me to take him home and as that's physically impossible as he doesn't have two houses, there is little choice but to say no. All the advice is not to argue and I can do that for other delusions but not this, I cannot perform miracles!
Dennis
says
22 June 2023 at 3:09 am
If the person your caring for is mobile could you take them for a walk or a car ride and than come back to the house? If they are easily angered and frustrated can you try different medication to help them relax? Again these are just suggestions I don't know your specific situation but these things work for my father with late stages dementia. I know its not an easy journey caring for someone with dementia but just take it 1 day at a time.
Kelsie
says
26 June 2023 at 8:21 pm
Ugh I have no advice I just wanted to say I get this completely. This is what’s happening with my dad right now and I do not know what to do.
Trevor Norris
says
07 July 2023 at 12:15 pm
I have cared for my wife for over 6yrs she went through the "I want to go home" stage it is distressing for both the sufferer and carer. Whatever you do, do not argue or try to reason it out. I live near a supermarket so would say yes lets go put on your shoes, we would then travel a mile to the supermarket and buy some milk or whatever. Then as we drove from the supermarket to "home" I would say I think it's this way as we got near "home" I would get a response yes down here. Sometimes she would realise it was the place we had just left and say "I'm sorry I have been stupid" to which I would reply no you haven't lets have a cup of tea. We live to care for another day!
Martin Sach
says
08 July 2023 at 8:11 am
Taking the person out and back is an option I have heard of before and good ghat it works for you, but I fear that my father wouldn't be taken in by that. He would expect to pack a lot of luggage for a start. The supermarket is miles away. These demands are often made by telephone when I am 100+ miles from him, he wants me to drop everything and come to collect him. If I were to agree it would cause trouble for his carer as he would be packing up to go. So I have to say no, and then he gets angry. He insists that I know full well that he doesn't live there and that I am just being difficult by refusing to take him home.
Azalea
says
17 July 2023 at 4:03 pm
Would excuses like "The car is broken" or "The road is under construction now" help? My Dad is asking to go home, but it isn't what he remembers, and I know it would hurt him to see that the home he was born in has been torn down. But I hate keeping him from that area.
Terry Latham
says
29 May 2023 at 12:38 am
My older sister was very happy in the care facility we found for her but as her illness increased she has become more angry and out of touch with reality...demanding to go home, claiming our dead parents are talking to her and all other kinds of things that are not real or ever happened. Should I just tell her I'm working on getting her home to appease her or tell her she cant go back home as no home exist and all our family has passed?
Jana de Beer
says
03 June 2023 at 6:39 pm
Please assist me, I all so like to known, how to explain to my partner (86) his Mom and Dad passed. He insisted wanted to go and visite them and his two sisters how also passed. He keep also seeing them. To tell them his still a live and his ok, I feel so helpless, and rejected. We live in South Africa and his family from the UK. Thank you so much
Karen Amies
says
12 June 2023 at 10:53 pm
Hi Terry I am in the same situation with my mum, she is in stage 6 vascular dementia and cries that she wants her mum and wants to go home (she's 80 and her mum passed away over 20 years ago). I tell her that her mum is just around the corner and will wait for her to catch up and then they can go home together. I don't feel bad telling her a white lie if it gives her comfort. I think why upset her with the truth when an half an hour later she will have forgotten what I said. Ultimately it's your decision but don't beat yourself up about not telling her the complete truth. Sometimes we lie because we love xx
Mary
says
18 June 2023 at 7:56 pm
I am a caregiver for a man with dementia. Occasionally he wants to pack up and go home. I agree, and tell him that as soon as the movers deliver the boxes, we will pack everything up. He seems satisfied with that, and calms down, and then of course he forgets about it.
Miguel Tucci
says
21 June 2023 at 9:01 pm
Dementia with brain atrophy is a terrible disease, very difficult time for sure, it has been a major challenge
Dennis
says
22 June 2023 at 3:16 am
People with later stages Dementia start talking about these things because in they're mind these things are happening, you can't just dish it off as if they are lying because you can't see it happening. I'm not saying you are but just try to be understanding put yourself in they're shoes imagine if your mind was failing you how scared you would be and with being scared comes anger. A lot of times all they need is someone to spend time with them and make them feel happy inside. Take it 1 day at a time, when they are gone they're gone.
Marli Mckeage
says
15 May 2023 at 2:02 am
My loved husband has advanced Alzheimers/dementia. He is 85 years old and still very demanding. He was having small fall at home, dog park, etc. Lady October 2022 he fell and I took him to the hospital. He stayed there for 3 weeks and from there to a Memory Care Center for rehabilitation. It is been so difficult for me to accept his condition now. I don’t know if is OK to bring him home as we can provide for supervision. I feel devastated whennI see him at the facility. Home for hummus never our home. He is always packing to travel by train, boat, airplane . I see him everyday but it still hurts too much. I don’t know what to do.
Jenny Mann
says
27 May 2023 at 11:10 am
I am in the same place my mum has alzheimer's and is in hospital. I just don't know what to do bring her home or care. So hard to let the person you love go.
Zelma o Whitener
says
17 July 2023 at 3:25 am
Hi Jenny Mann. My husband has lewy body dementia. He is so hard to take care of alone. He always wanting to go home and gets real mad because he can't go. He is very angry, frustrated, and combative to name a few. I advise you that if you take your mom home make sure you have someone to help you with her. This is not an easy task. I am still looking for answers on how to stop him from tearing up my home when he can't get his way. I pray for everyone who's going through this situation with their love ones. May God give us peace that passes ALL understanding. Zelma W.
Virginia
says
09 May 2023 at 10:46 pm
My father passed in 2013 and my mothers dementia began in 2015. She fell down the steps in 2022 & broke her arm.. We sold her home & she moved in with her sister. Last month she tripped, fell & broke the same arm. She’s 89 & living with me now but we are actively looking for a memory care center & I think we found one. 55 beds & 6 minutes from my home. I never imagined I’d do this but the reality of caring for her has humbled me. I think it will be a bumpy transition but the summer weather, & lots of visitors may help her adjust.
Kathryn sharkey
says
18 May 2023 at 1:54 pm
My mum went in to a wonderful care home last august,she has dementia and the guilt is killing me,sometimes she cry’s and screams to come home ,that’s the part that kills me,any advice what to say or do
Anne Anderson
says
21 May 2023 at 2:14 pm
My 81 year old husband is always asking me to take him home from the aged care facility he is in & I don't know how to answer him.The guilt is killing me. Would love some advice on how to cope.
Cynthia
says
22 June 2023 at 12:12 am
This feeling guilty is so common for caregivers. I want to reassure you, my husband who is only 69, suffers from PSP, a dementia disease that also affects many parts of the body like Parkinson’s. I cared for him, alone, for nearly 5 years. The last 6 months frankly were hell, i got him to assisted care to save myself. I started getting heart issues and my blood pressure, normally low was becoming erratic. I lost about 5 poinds which is alot of weight to lose for me as I am very slight. I had no family to help me. One day as I was very depressed I realized that I was going to be kf ni use to my husband if I git very ill or worse, died. So I told myself I had to save myself in order to help him. Yes I sometimes feel badly he is in assisted care, bit I have some quality of life now. And mist importantly, when I see him now I feel happy to be with him. We watch TV together and I natter on about anything that I think will catch his interest. Trust me before he moved into care, I was a wreck and I became very impatient and sometimes angry with him. Remind yourself that your dementia family member won’t benefit from you feeling guilty but they will benefit from a haloy and rested caregiver who wants to spend quality time, To me what matters is the quality kf the time, not the back breaking quantity of time trying to balance way too many things as well as take care of someone with dementia,
Lara
says
09 July 2023 at 8:47 pm
Hi Cynthia. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. My mum is in a similar one to yours, she cares for my dad who has early onset Alzheimer's and is only 66 and has done so for the last five years. He went into a dementia home this weekend for respite and it's been a really difficult time for everyone. She lost her voice due to stress and despite him being young and very physically fit it's the only option to save herself and to keep him safe and happy. I hope you're doing well now and looking after yourself 💗
Rennie cockram
says
22 May 2023 at 3:53 pm
Hello Kathryn. I too am experiencing the same situation. My moms outbursts occur during sundown 3pm -bedtime. This is a typical time of day for them to feel anger and sad. I have the home call me when she is like this. I gently talk to her and tell her I understand and that I will be there in the morning after breakfast. This usually calms her even if I was able to get there the next day as she will have forgotten the episode. Another tool I use is Alexa. An Amazon display device that lets me drop into her room with a video call without her having to press any buttons. Always know you are doing the best you can for her. We can’t lose ourselves in their dementia journey but we can offer a friendly face or voice when the are scared.
Wendy Dobi
says
01 June 2023 at 3:06 pm
Hi Rennie Can I ask how you can use Alexa in that way? It would really help me as my mom , 92 yo, is more than 40 minute drive away, but at a fabulous facility Thank you
Rennie cockram
says
01 June 2023 at 10:42 pm
Hi Wendy. You will need the Alexa app on your I-phone or android phone. As well an echo show that has a display screen for your loved one’s location. You may also need an Amazon prime account. These two devices get put into your account as your group of devices which allows you to control them including the drop in feature. You can also share photos of family on the echo show that will rotate through when you are not doing a video drop in with them. Try this link for more information. There are other links out there this is just one that I selected. https://www.digitaltrends.com/home/how-to-drop-in-on-an-echo-device/?amp. I live in canada so hopefully the rules are not any different in the UK for video drop-in. You may also want to check with the home that they will allow this. All the best. Rennie
Lisa Militello
says
05 June 2023 at 4:24 am
Thank you. Sounds like we are all in very similar boats. The Alexa idea may work better at a facility. We tried it at home and my parents couldn’t help but touch it and it was a fiasco. This may work to talk to grandkids. Ty for the tip.
Andrew
says
04 June 2023 at 11:58 pm
Mine was this week, the pain is huge for you, but not for your mum, as the memory does not last, do not argue with her, just accept everything she says, change the subject, say you dont know a lot, and hold her hand a lot. x I wont say be strong, etc, but know thre are a lot of us going through it with no idea what we do ans what to do with the feelings of guilt, but we are doing the right thing, even if it fels like we are not, all the love in the workd to you xx
Martin Sach
says
03 May 2023 at 8:09 am
It is easy to say that a carer should not argue about going home delusions, but in practice that can be very difficult or impossible. My father asks, demands even, to be taken home when sitting in the house that he has lived in for 20 years. It is just not possible to go along with the delusion as there is no way to take him home and if I made a false promise to take him later he would start packing. I would welcome some more practical advice. "Don't argue with dementia" is often good advice but doesn't help when the patient demands something that cannot be done.
Connie McMahon
says
08 May 2023 at 5:53 am
Maybe when your family member says they want to go home you could oull a photo album out and sit down with them and look at old photos. This coukd really ease their mind. Take there hand and hold it and reassure them that they are safe here. Possibly play some music on your phone from their time period. Dementia patients love music and this cpuld deter them from that question. Hope this helps.
noreen
says
12 May 2023 at 10:20 pm
With my mom who was in her own home of 40 years, I pointed to her furniture & said but we just moved you here, try it for a few weeks, or just point to her furniture & remind her she bought it & she was home.
Tina Williams
says
24 June 2023 at 3:01 pm
I am experiencing the same situation. My husband is 72 and has moderate to late Alzheimer’s. Wants to go home every night and I spend hours trying to keep him in the house. He becomes abusive and combative I have tried diversion and distraction and nothing works. It sounds so simple to just do XYZ but it doesn’t work in reality. I’m 10 years younger and still work so I’m am constantly exhausted and always feel guilty. I too would love some practical advice but I realize there probably isn’t any. I really don’t want to place him in a home but for my health and safety I am unsure I have a choice. But also unsure if I can afford it. So feel completely stuck and helpless on how to help him and me as well. Terrible disease on the patient and family. Just relying on Gods direction. I would also love to hear other advice. But I know every person is different. I’m really trying my best but feeling like I’m not helping him or me.
FaithAnn Young
says
27 June 2023 at 12:43 am
My mother is the same way. She is so angry and insistent about it. I've tried to distract or put her off to the next day, but it just doesn't work. Now she is in Assisted Living and she yells at me and when I call instead she hangs up on me. It's awful.
Theo
says
02 May 2023 at 3:48 pm
My elderly friend and former neighbour (87) lived in a flat on his own until a few years ago. He used to share it with another tenant but I don’t think they knew each other much, so it was probably like living alone. His behaviour began to be of concern, and he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. He was resistant to moving, but when he saw a local care home, he decided he wanted to go there. He was put on the list and kept asking about it. Eventually a place was found for him and he moved in, during the Covid pandemic. The fact he had to be quarantined at first probably didn’t help. He was insistent he wanted to leave. We looked into an assisted living home nearby, as he said he wanted to stay in the area. They declined to take him, due to the aggressive behaviour he has sometimes shown, and the fact he might require extra care in future. My friend, who I visit regularly, has frequently talked of wanting to go back to his flat. He is clear that he doesn’t like it in the care home. His advocate (from POhWER, who visits the home) has been taking the case forward on his behalf. My friend’s social worker has decided that he should stay in the care home. His close friends and family, as well as the care home manager, agree. The case will probably be taken to court next, for a judge to decide. That will probably go the same way. There are often periods when my friend does not complain of wanting to leave (although he acknowledges he doesn’t like it there). However, his case being raised seems to provoke his obsession with leaving, and he gets quite angry about it. He simply does not understand that he cannot look after himself. I often just try to sympathise with him when he expresses his frustrations about living there. These discussions can be very difficult. Better to change the subject perhaps. I will bear in mind the advice in this article. I think perhaps once the case is resolved, his demands to leave may just come up occasionally, if he isn’t reminded of it. Of course, at times, he has expressed a desire to stay, including at a meeting with a social worker. I thought I’d share my experience here. It might help others. It would be interesting to know of similar experiences too.
Lee
says
30 April 2023 at 9:44 pm
My Mom was diagnosed with Dementia about a year ago. We knew there were issues, but could not get her to go to a doctor. She wasn't bad until the end of November when she ended up with a broken tibia and fibia along with a knee replacement. She was in the hospital/rehab starting November 29th and didn't come home until January 1st. She has good and bad days, but the bad days are really bad. On her bad days, she's constantly wanting to go home - thanks to this site, I now know what that means - can't remember anything from minute to minute, and obsesses about things. She also insists that other people live with us or had been in the house when I was at work or in another part of the house. When she first came home from the rehab, we had a nurse, PT, and OT coming and I think she just thinks they're still coming. I thought dealing with my Father's physical ailments and death was hard, but this is so much harder and so frustrating.
Norman Kelly
says
17 April 2023 at 8:16 pm
My wife of 62 years started having delusions about 5 years ago. There have been different delusions but the continuous one is accusing me of being unfaithful. She has been in assisted living 2X only to fall requiring nursing home rehab. Each time she came home she was inactive. She currently has been in a nursing home for 2 months and wants to come home. Her physical strength has improved but her delusions are still there. She becomes very angry, talks very ugly to me, says she is dying and says there’s nothing wrong with her. My children say not to bring her home and I agree. I can’t talk to or visit her without being blessed out. I don’t know if she will ever accept being in nursing home. Life is almost unbearable for both of us.
Tina
says
19 April 2023 at 12:01 am
Most likely, she will never be able to accept living in a nursing home. It is sad that you’re experiencing this hardship. I can imagine how unbearable this hardship is , it is terrible to be accused of something that is not true, but you cannot change what a person thinks, because it is true for them, even if it isn’t. This isn’t something that can be debated , when you love someone or have children with a significant other , grief is nonnegotiable.. I can understand why this is scary and dysfunctional for your kids. What is her age ? My mom has Alzheimer’s and is in a nursing home . She wants to come home as well. My hope for you and your family is that the ugliness will subside, ignored and healed . It is an insidious process, pat yourself on your back for being loving and compassionate regardless. Reaching out to others for support is a great way to educate, inspire and figure out how to navigate the different trails of life and set a great example for the future generation regarding our journey or outcome .
Lisa Militello
says
05 June 2023 at 4:30 am
Norman, this happened to my parents and my fathers death was tragic. I please encourage you to seek out help from adult protective services and office of aging. You need help and cannot do it alone. It is an uphill battle, and I’ve never been one to ask for help, not was my dad, but this is unlike anything. I wish you much peace and hope You are able to find support.
Kyle brown
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10 April 2023 at 12:31 pm
My mom who’s is 58 has recently been diagnosed with dementia in December out of nowhere. I am her caretaker and lately it has been so difficult to deal with she has no sense of time or her surroundings most times and she’s been retired for almost 6 years but ever since December she thinks our house is a nursing home and she thinks she’s back at work constantly trying to go upstairs and look for patient she used to have when she was a cna and being very determined and forceful. Distractions don’t work with her and sometimes it takes hours to calm her down she was put into a nursing home for three weeks and it seems to have made her situation worse being that there was a lack or supervision and seemed to be a case of negligence as well not to mention she thought she was there to work and were treating the other residents like they were her patients. I’m barely sleeping or getting any rest and she starts to pack her bags and give me a hard time saying she’s going home sometimes she’ll snap out of it and look around and say she is home but for the most part it’s been a tough journey for these past couple months any advice will be greatly appreciated this is all new and sudden for me
Kat
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24 April 2023 at 5:50 pm
I feel you. I have been going through the same for two years. It doesn’t get easier unfortunately. I have to chant many times that I love her. It makes it worst when they realize how they have been treating you during moments of clarity. You do get better at handling things. I know mine sometimes does not let off for me to get sleep and it makes it worse so I practice what you do with babies. Make sure they are safe clean and fed, of course making sure there is nothing actually wrong, then do what you have to, to make sure they can’t get into anything and go ahead and sleep. You have to have sleep. Otherwise you can not be at your best to take care of them appropriately. Mine always come around once a month or two. They are very grateful for how I treat them and those are the moments it makes it worth it. They understand when I have had to make hard decisions to keep them safe (like from wanting to walk out into the street when they think they are in a different state). Mine was in nursing homes for a two year time period. So they understand the alternative. Sometimes of course. However I have a very close bond with mine. I was always the child who could do no wrong to her. If I didn’t have that backing me up though, there is no way I could get through this. She accuses me all the time of doing things I don’t do. They sometimes see other relatives. If they are really talking trash and being mean ask them simple questions like, what your name is. Oh I’m your mom! Well memaw I am your granddaughter… sometimes I will recall things we have done. Sometimes you have to go with the memory. I know this can last ALL day. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes they are locked in a memory and it’s impossible to get them out. Sometimes we can’t do anything right. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Sometimes we don’t have the time to be patient and that is super difficult. Mainly though if it becomes too much. Even if you don’t think you can afford nursing homes. Check in to nursing homes. If certain circumstances had not had happened, I would not have found ways to know how to get her in. You can apply for additional long term health care on top of their a and b insurance through the state. Find a social worker. Go to nursing homes. Someone will help you figure out how to use their income from social security and their insurance. Mine gets 1000 a month and we live in expensive south Florida. She can still get in a nursing home and the insurance take care of the rest. (Yes this does tend to be places understaffed.) Also if they are living with you, you can get paid. Not much but it does help. That long term insurance will pay out to a family (in most states from what I understand). Not what they would to a nursing home but still. This can also help pay for people to come give you a break. You do have to jump through level 5 I think background checks but that is a one time thing. I don’t think there is a perfect way in handling a dementia patient. Unfortunately they still somehow remember your worst faults and the worst of what you have done in life and love to bring that stuff up when that is something they never would have even thought about doing before dementia. So doing your best to always be kind, patient, and respectful is really the best you can do. Though you do HAVE to have sleep to do that. You HAVE to take care of yourself in this time. This includes taking time to workout. If you don’t take care of yourself it’s impossible to be kind, patient, and respectful to them. It is also not your fault they didn’t set up a retirement. And last but not least. If they are being more aggressive than usual get them to a doctor asap. UTI’s in older people (esp with Alzheimer’s and dementia) are not the same as when they were younger. They do not always get the pain level to complain about. It will also extremely change their behavior. They can get them very frequently especially if the have to wear pull-ups and suffer any incontinence or leakage. They can also get them monthly. If you stay on top of this then it does help with their behavior. This is really not talked enough about but can help tremendously. I always ask for a uti test on her and she ALWAYS has one. We can get lost in the day to day struggles of a dementia patient to realize when it has stepped up. Good luck.
Judy Shaw
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07 May 2023 at 8:48 pm
Who would I talk to about getting paid. I keep my mom at my house cause I promised her I would never let her go to a nursing home. Any money could help. Thanks so much. She has been with me a year this month
Kat
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09 May 2023 at 2:53 pm
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/legal-financial/benefits-deme…. Calling them might be the best to find out if your situation applies.
Becky cooper
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08 April 2023 at 8:31 pm
My dad is in a care home because my mum can’t care anymore for him. His home and safe place is wherever mum is and he can’t understand why he is there despite us trying to explain. He is so sad and says his head is not working and is scared. We visit every day any ideas?
Patti Mruk
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06 April 2023 at 5:53 am
My father has dementia and lives with my mom. He is constantly asking for the car keys, which he can no longer drive because he gets lost for hours. He states he needs to go home and gives the address he is residing in for the past 67 years. He packs up his belongings and says he needs to go back home to his wife. More often now he doesn't recognize my mom and thinks she is just a good friend. My mother is in denial and says oh your father has always been like this. He is just trying to aggravate me. What can I do?
Edith Diaz
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08 May 2023 at 4:02 pm
I am so sorry for this difficult time in your lives. One thing I do know as I watch my brother fade away in front of me. You can make a collage of pictures and put names on them so he can remember also videos with each and everyone of you speaking to him directly so that he won’t be scared. Hopefully that works and it takes away that sense of fear… I pray for you and your family, Edith ❣️