Advice

How to offer help to someone with dementia who doesn’t want it

My 94 year old mum who lives with me suffers with mixed dementia. I have few serious difficulties with her taking daily prescription medication, eating, sleeping or other everyday activities. However, she requires AMD eye injections on a 1-2 monthly basis. I have power of attorney for my mum on health matters but the hospital still seem to be keen to get mum to give her consent to have these injections and until recently appear to not fully appreciate the need to fast track dementia patients (though I appreciate this is very difficult when their are so many elderly people who fall into this category). Unfortunately recently my mum refused one of her AMD injections after being kept waiting for a very long time at the hospital for treatment. My mum was very tired on this occasion exacerbated by the time she got to the treatment room following various pre injection checks and said when she finally got to the room where they give the injections all she wanted to do was to have a cup of tea and go home. This was extremely frustrating because they had done everything at that stage barring give the actual injection which literally takes 20 seconds to administer. The eye hospital in question has now kindly agreed to reschedule her eye injection (they couldn’t slot her in later that day) and get her seen first thing in the morning without hopefully any hold ups next time. Is there anything more I can do to increase the chances of her accepting these injection? She stands to lose significant vision in her right eye if I have to stop taking her to the eye hospital which will of course impact markedly on her quality of life.

Dad is 89 and was diagnosed with Alzheimers and vascular dementia around 3 years ago. My sister has been going to him every day to make his lunch, do chores, shopping etc for about 2 years. He lives alone following mums death in 2014. I live in France and have rung him every day since mum died. 6 weeks ago he fell in his lounge, alone, but managed to call my sister. Paramedics took him to hospital. He had broken ribs and a collapsed lung. He has had 2 bouts of pneumonia during this time. After 4 weeks in hospital he was sent to an assessment home. He had 3 falls in a week and ended back in hospital again. He insists on going home but we believe he is no longer safe on his own. He refused carers. He always says he can manage but he can’t. He can barely walk and cannot remember if he has eaten/ drunk anything. He is losing weight rapidly and looks so skinny for him. We have a lasting power of attorney but only for finances. We have found a lovely care home for him, especially for Alzheimers/dementia. How on earth do we persuade him it is for his own safety and well being? Prior to recent events he was phoning my sister and myself at all hours of the day and night saying he didn’t know where he was, or what he was supposed to be doing and where is mum? We both have ansafone message recordings of these calls if people don’t believe us. We just want Dad to be safe and well cared for.

NOT SURE ABOUT MY DAD HE IS 89 AND FORGETTING TO PAY BILLS AND SAYING HE PAID THEM I TRY TO APPROACH SUBJECT BUT HE GETS VERY ANGRY I AM THE PERSON WHOM TAKES CARE OF EVERYTHING WHEN HE PASSES HHE HAS A WILL BUT I EXPLAINED I WOULD TAKE ALL THE PRESSURE OFF OF HIM IF HE CAN'T DO IT WE WHERE SUPPOSE TO GET POWER OF ATTORNEY BUT HE SAYS CAUSE I'M THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYTHING WHEN HE PASSES WHICH IS STATED IN THE WILL WE DO NOT NEED POWER OF ATTORNEY

I have an aunt who is 85 and living alone. She is an aunt by marriage, as she was married to my dad’s brother. He died several years ago. They never had children. I was close to my uncle and we lived across the street from them until I went to college. She has some relatives on her side of the family, but they do not live in the town that my aunt and I do. My aunt has made some statements that she believes one of her nieces has been taking things from her, however, she may have misplaced those items or forgotten where she put them. She has also told me that a neighbor has been watching her and is out in his yard at night “doing something” and she is sure he is watching her. She also told me, my wife and my sister that a man came into her house and went through her mail and took her water Bill. Recently she asked me if she could list me as executor on her will and had her will changed to reflect that. She also put me on her bank account in the event something happened to her and she needed help. For whatever reason she closed those accounts and moved her money to another bank. I am not sure how or if I can do anything to get her help or placed in a care facility.. what can I do?

My mum is 85 and not diagnosed as she will not go near a doctors etc, the first real sign happened January 2020 when she forgot what happened in a particular day. She now talks to hallucinations day and night and makes food for them etc, I took her to live with me as I noticed the cooker left on and she was running out of the house across the road in a panic, she doesn’t sleep well . God so many things too many to mention , she hasn’t seen a doctor as I tried once but was told I can’t make her go and the appointment she did have , went wrong , I am worried all the time as I think she really needs to see a doctor to check she is ok for everything else . I will not put her in a home as she would die there, I work full time at home due to COVID-19 and I am tired and not in good health myself . How do I get her to the doctor without causing her stress, I don’t need a diagnosis as I cannot put her through that due to her fears of doctors and hospitals and care homes. This is the hardest job in the world.

Where do we start to get help for my dad who was diagnosed just before lockdown with dementia? He is 83 and lives with my mum who has been diagnosed with breast cancer. They both need some kind of support but as a family we don't know where to start. My dad swears constantly and although he is not aggressive with mum he speaks so bad to her.

We moved to be near my MIL last year. We knew she was forgetting things and we honestly thought it was because her hearing is impaired. Only once we’d moved in did we see the full extent of her illness. She has her own house but will only sleep there. The FIL is great but he has his own home close by. It’s an odd relationship and it’s not made any easier because of her demanding controlling nature. At Christmas she begged the FIL to stay overnight with her. She now says he’s living in her house and she doesn’t know why! He stays will her all night and she’s up 5 or 6 times a night. She refuses to shower or change her clothes. She won’t let me into her house to get clean clothes for her or anything. She comes into my house about 11.15am every morning, she doesn’t know what day it is but she’s still good with time telling. She stays here all day. Saying things like she doesn’t watch tv but then sits in front of it all day... only allowing us to watch BBC1 all day. She has cheese on toast every day for lunch and will not have anything else. She takes about 5 hours to eat 2 slices of toast. I have to liquidise other food for dinner because she refuses to eat but she does at least get a few spoons of the mush down. She says she does all her own shopping, cleaning and gardening!!!! However, in reality she does nothing but sit in my house. She will not leave until 8pm and once we asked her to go at 7pm so we could organise for a new sofa coming the next day. She’s so selfish and will not be left alone for a minute. She follows me around the house and it’s worse than having a toddler. I have Fibromyalgia and find it more and more difficult trying to help my partner care for his mum. My partner works full time & we now rarely get any time together. My son also works full time and lives with us too. There are 4 adults providing 24 hour care for her but she says there’s nothing wrong with her. It’s mind blowing the stories she tells and we know most have no basis in reality. She won’t let us attempt to get any help or support and we’re all getting a bit fed up. We love her of course but it’s so frustrating trying to get her to do anything if she doesn’t want. She won’t allow us to get her GP involved. She said she wanted to change GP so she was at the same place as we are signed up to but then refuses when we try to fill out the form. I’ve had to help her sort out her bills and council tax but she then says she’s done it. She says she’s tidied up my house but she’s done absolutely nothing but sit in the chair. In her mind she’s still doing everything she did 30 yrs ago but the fact is she isn’t. We can’t get any help or support because she won’t let us. The decisions she makes change like the wind and then she forgets. She is simply not doing well at all and she’s very frail. We are at our wits end because it’s really difficult to try to care for someone who refuses to believe she has a problem! She forgets everything you tell her or if she remembers she gets it all confused and the delusions come into play. It’s really getting to a point where we all have a moan about it but can’t do anything to make it easier for us all. If adverts come through for nursing homes she accuses us of ordering them and she tells us she won’t go in any home because she’s not like the other old folk. There is just no real respite for any of us. She hasn’t had a shower since last summer, she does wash herself she says. She has had the same clothes on since Christmas and it’s now April. I try to offer to help her shower, we have a disabled access bathroom in our house but she refuses to have a shower. I say bring some clean clothes down and I’ll help you and get these ones washed. She refuses. She smells very bad but we can’t do anything because it would be most likely seen as abuse. It’s horrendous and COVID hasn’t helped. I don’t know how much longer we can cope with her. She has moderate to severe dementia from everything I’ve read up about the symptoms. We can’t get any help from any agencies because she doesn’t have a diagnosis. I don’t believe she has the mental capacity to deny medical treatment but without a diagnosis she’s deemed in law to have capacity. She forgets names all the time & even asked me how old her son was on his 50th birthday and then argued that he was only 20! It’s hard work and really frustrating because there is no days off from it. If anyone has any ideas to help us get her to the GP to get a diagnosis then we can progress from there. Thanks

I sue aspinall would like someone to answer my question on alzimer my mum said I won't beable to go out now I've got alzheimer after she read her letter

My mom has been diagnosed with dementia with lewy bodies. She is now starting to need things. I brought a commode for her as her toilet is down stairs. I was wondering could I get any help with a walking on wheels or do you just have to buy these things yourself. The doctors have prescribed tablets but I don't know what to do next. She lives on her own

A dear friend has just been moved from an assisted living facility to his son's home waiting for placement in a nursing home. I have been a constant friend-- talking to John almost every day for the past 6 years. I asked his son to let me speak to John on the phone, but John refuses to talk to me or see me. I know I haven't done anything wrong-- how can I convince him to let me talk to him-- his son, his daughter-in-law and his daughter have all tried but he is adamant that he doesn't want to talk to me. We talked all last week before he moved and everything was fine.

Mum was diagnosed on December 2020, she is in denial. She got very upset after the call from the Adult Mental Health worker, crying saying she didn't need him telling her what to do or to attend groups, which at present isn't possible anyway, that she has her own friends who tell her there isn't anything wrong with her memory, not helpful.
Although there are 5 of us I am in her support bubble as I have POA for her finances and health. My eldest sister lives with mum but works.
Lockdown isn't belling as mum is a sociable person, enjoyed going out. She does try to go for a walk each day but has admitted asking someone the way home. Don't want to discourage her from walking is there something we can do to help her with this?

My sisters are all happy to help not sure what restrictions or rules they might break but worried about mums state of mental health.

My sister was diagnosed with dementia in December 2020. She is in complete denial. She has an apartment in an independent senior living facility. She is constantly misplacing items that she thinks are being stolen. We have placed a lock on her closet door and the facility has installed a camera outside her door. She misplaces purses, shoes, jewelry, medication, etc. and believes she is being targeted by the workers . I hate to see her upset all the time. I have tried saying I understand, pointed out items she said were stolen that appear, change the subject- but she goes back to someone is robbing her blind. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thanks

My mum is forgetting things more and more as time goes by
She cannot sign her name because she can’t remember her signature, forgets her date of birth continuallly ask where her dog is even if it is near her feet, won’t put her bag down even at our house and she does this so she doesn’t have to ask where it is,
Our problem is she will not see a doctor not for this or anything
My question is is there a firm in Adelaide that can come to the house act like my or my dads friend and asses her like a o home doctor but not showing that you are a doctor
Please help

My grandad is getting worse by the day. He doesn't know the day, gets angry and frustrated really easily, walks up and down the bungalow. Looks for my nan when she's not in the same room. Forgets what he does in a room for. Talks to himself and does fast actions with his hands and when he looks at you he looks right through you. He opens the door every 5 minutes and looks through it. He doesn't remember anything from the present but his past he is really good at remembering. He asks the same questions over and over again and he has to be reminded to eat and drink. He refuses to go to the doctors and it's taking its toll on his wife and family. We don't know what to do as multiple times we have told his gp and they have said he needs to go himself. He is deteriorating really fast and he is still driving a car. There seems to be no help. He has recently been in the hospital due to passing out. We told them multiple times we think he has Alzheimer's or dementia and they clearly didn't listen as they left him to walk out of the hospital on his own after being discharged when we told them not to. We had to look for him and finally found him wondering around the carpark. I don't know what we should do because I feel it's going to take for something really bad to happen for people to listen to us.

My 42 years old sister started behaving strangely since beginning of this year.
She stopped neglecting herself, won't have a shower despite lots of encouragement, won't clean her household, stays in the dark with a little candle on, forgot how to access her bank account or pay any bills. She says can't sleep at night and she stands up most of the time, her legs began to swollen, she looks very sad and depressed crying at times. I have offered my help to speak with her GP but she refuses everything saying she will do in her own time, but she doesn't.
It has past more than 3 months since I discovered this and I am very worried and frustrated that this will get worse and worse.