I’m a psych nurse with years of experience working with geriatric patients who have dementia. I have seen the heart wrenching grief patients experience when told the truth—it’s cruel and unnecessary. If told the factual truth they relieve the extreme, intense sadness they felt when they first learned of their loved one’s death. When they ask tomorrow or next week it will happen again—and again and again.
From childhood we are taught not to lie, and most religions teach that lying is a sin. But, deliberately hurting another is also wrong and sinful—and is a greater sin than lying. No matter how many times you tell a person who has later stages of dementia they will not remember what you said. If they do occasionally remember that their spouse or mother died it would be in the context of ‘years ago.’)
If you’re really torn about their need to know, you might say, “Yes, mom is alive in our hearts” or, “I haven’t seen mom this week, either.” But, these evasive responses don’t typically work, they just provoke more confusion and questions.
My response when my dad asked these questions was, “Your mom just went to visit the neighbor.” (or something similar). My rationale was it was probably technically true; they both died years ago, so grandma did join her friend. My grandmother was always visiting her neighbor so it was believable, and my dad very much believed in heaven—where I imagine grandma and Millie were both playing cards, joking and laughing—as they always did.
Dementia Support Line
Patti Hall
saysI’m a psych nurse with years of experience working with geriatric patients who have dementia. I have seen the heart wrenching grief patients experience when told the truth—it’s cruel and unnecessary. If told the factual truth they relieve the extreme, intense sadness they felt when they first learned of their loved one’s death. When they ask tomorrow or next week it will happen again—and again and again.
From childhood we are taught not to lie, and most religions teach that lying is a sin. But, deliberately hurting another is also wrong and sinful—and is a greater sin than lying. No matter how many times you tell a person who has later stages of dementia they will not remember what you said. If they do occasionally remember that their spouse or mother died it would be in the context of ‘years ago.’)
If you’re really torn about their need to know, you might say, “Yes, mom is alive in our hearts” or, “I haven’t seen mom this week, either.” But, these evasive responses don’t typically work, they just provoke more confusion and questions.
My response when my dad asked these questions was, “Your mom just went to visit the neighbor.” (or something similar). My rationale was it was probably technically true; they both died years ago, so grandma did join her friend. My grandmother was always visiting her neighbor so it was believable, and my dad very much believed in heaven—where I imagine grandma and Millie were both playing cards, joking and laughing—as they always did.