Advice

‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

True, these Assisted living are like hotes, they don't feel home at all, the best ones are the ones that are 12 rooms or less and have the feeling of home. It doesn't compare with the personal attention either.

My mom has dementia, it was impossible for us to care for her and she couldn't stay at her home any longer alone. So my brother and I decided on a nursing facility. At first it was hard she didn't want to eat and always asked to go home. We would tell her that this was her new home and try to make it as comfortable as possible. We had family pictures,her TV, blankets and flowers. She has been there almost a year now and calls it home.

I am a Registered Nurse in long term care and take care of dementia residents everyday, however and most importantly I am a daughter who has a Mother with early onset Alzheimer’s, she is 65 and has had it for over 5 years. As my Mother is effected much by difficulty finding words, repeating what you ask her, difficulty with remembering ADL care, and incontinence she teaches me every single day. From working with My residents with dementia and Alzheimer’s and taking care of my Mom, one thing that is the most important is patience. I stress this with my staff and also my family. It must be profoundly frustrating to not have the ability to communicate what you are trying or even think you are trying to say, If all you do is sit in a room with them, they know you’re there, it is beneficial that Possibly less frustrated to feel like they need to talk. There are many discouraging and painful stages of this life stealing disease, as caregivers we learn as we go, what worked for someone else may not work for your loved one. I was a hospice nurse for many years, and like I’m death, Alzheimer’s has similarities throughout however it is incredibly individual. I leave my Mothers crying some days I leave happy others, I laugh with her I cry with her I have sat for long periods of time only holding her hand and smiling. I miss my Mother, so very much. I miss her tone she would say my name when I was sarcastic, I miss her laugh, it was the most infectious laugh, I miss her terribly. But we have our “love you” conversations everyday, I say I love you Mom she says I love you Mom, and then she laughs sometimes because she’s Mom ❤️ And we probably go on with love you exchanges for 3 or 4 times, but she still gives the best hugs. My heart goes out to all of you who provide care to your loved ones. It is a struggle, but remember to give yourself a hug!! You’re doing a great job!

What to do if person with dementia just doesn't like that attention not on him/her . While there is other people around is not that bad , but it's always around meal times when people with disabilities needs assistance or when other need help getting to dining room or at the evening people go back to they rooms as they tired him/ her gets offensive and angry .
Family don't like to visit person to much as him/her never had good relationship, children said that him / her always been very selfish .
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you

I work in dementia care and have had relatives with the condition. There is a lot of good suggestions above however distraction technique being one of them. You have to know the reckons your relatives wil have before being totally honest with them ,breaking there heart again and again is not fair on them. Giving you family a rest is a good option! Please be consistent with the relative in care make sure the whole family are saying the same reason for someone missing or them being in s home otherwise its confusing for them . They will be confused enough them not being in a familiar setting/home etc. Be mindfull of communicating the same information to staff at the home so staff are telling the residents the same reason for them being in the home etc. Try to visit at regular times this helps with them settling in. Tell that you are leaving them at the end of a visit can be upsetting for them please give them a genuine reason as much as possible. Ie you have you much we are having our lunch see you later./ soon etc. Make this a descreate exchange, don't labour over it. You getting up set at leaving them will make them upset. It's hard but be strong for them.
Make the rooms homily familour favourite abject, bedding etc this well help with the transition for your relatives.
Hope this time you go through is uneventful and is a smooth transition as it can be fr your relatives and you.

My late mum had Alzheimer's and was taken into care, against my wishes, because she had become too difficult to care for alone. I saw her several times a week and called and spoke to her on the phone - the home were very good like that. I did sometimes drop in for a visit for an hour after work but what I did was take her out for the day or evening. That gave her normality because prior to her moving in we did go out and do lots together. We would go out for drives in the car and singalong to CDs, we would go to shows and films and have tea or lunch out. I kept striving to find new experiences for her because that was the kind of person she had been. Always curious, always enquiring. When she asked about dead relatives I would say,'they are with so-and -so or probably shopping/at work' It did the trick. I didnt like lying but seeing how she reacted with the truth was too awful to witness. Hateful illness

Does anyone think that as families that come and visit often we find it difficult to reassure our own relatives imagine for the poor staff that have to reassure all of the residents and not only one all day every day several times. Not to mention the challenging behaviour they deal with on a day to day basis. They did an amazing job for my mum when as visited lots i could see the scale of what they had to deal with and do for other. They were amazing with her up to the day she left us the level of care was just outstanding.

My wife was diagnosed with mild dementia in July 2018. Recently she’s been asking me about going home. It’s not an everyday occurrence but it does occur in the morning. I give her a hug of reassurance and try to explain that we are home. She seems to settle down after having breakfast. I found this article very interesting.

Right this is a subject very close to my heart my grandmother had altzhimers spelt wrong i know for 8 years i was 15 when she died 11 years Feb she's been gone i used to see her every day especially when she was in the home spent all of Christmas day with her once id go up at least three times every day to make sure she was ok i might as well have moved in with her she never said she wanted to come home so we never had this problem but i found it hard hearing her beg me not to leave her people have said my mom was wrong to allow me to help with nan at a young age but if i could id do it all again just to see her for another minutes Treasure every second even when they are being difficult because one day memories are all you will have

A nurse I knew told a story of an Alzheimer patient who wanted to go home. One day the staff gave her a "bus ticket" they designed for "tomorrow. "
She held onto that ticket for awhile and stopped asking to go home. It gave her some hope, I think. Which is not a bad thing.

When I ask my mum where home is she says back to normal. She means before her and dad became ill. Dad has Alzheimers and vascular Dementia but mum still being assessed although she has got worse in last few months. Sad and cruel illness and I find it so hard to see and feel so helpless. Wish I could help them more

Does anyone truly understand about Alzheimer's, each person is individual, each family struggles to come to terms with the loss of a parent or family member to this . Everyone hurts, its torment, we try or have tried to live and support, but in the end we all loose. Its easier to remember them before they became I'll.

I think the carers in the homes should do more training in these matters x I’m not saying all care homes are the same but I felt dimencia patients were ignored it was a waste of time talking to them . I wish we could have kept our mum at home we saw her every day but I feel we let her down badley 😓

When my mum says this, I say you are home. This is your home now and try and change the subject. This is such a difficult and horrible situation for anyone to be in and is so very sad. X

My dad thought he was waiting for mum to come out of hospital and was happy with that. Worst thing I ever heard was his wailing when the home staff insisted I told him she had died