Advice

‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

My mother has broken her hip bone and must not get out of bed on her own. But she forgets as the pain is not strong enough to make let stop. Any idea what could be done ? She has small "barriers" on her bed at night esp. but she hates them.

Dear All - I’m in a dilemma as to what best to do. My mother is nearly 87 with Advanced Alzheimers and still living in her own home with a Carer visiting twice a day. I live 60 plus miles away working in a London full-time and with a 7.5 year old daughter. My mother has shown aggressive behaviour towards the Carer when challenged to have a shower. I’ve been told most care homes won’t take Mum in as she’s now too advanced and a risk to other residents. The Carer understandably doesn’t want to push showering my Mother anymore .... so what are my options?! I love my Mother but really don’t know now what to do and the options available to me?!! Anyone else have the same issue?! TIA Monique

Hi, my dad has altzheimers and vascular dementia. He currently lives in his own home with my mum who also has altzheimers (but it’s not as advanced as dads) they are supported by a full care package and family.
Dad has recently started getting confused thinking my mum (his wife) is his own mother (who passed away 40 years ago) he will phone myself and my sister up to 30 times a day telling us he needs to take his mum home. On some occasions when we have told him he’s getting muddled up he has accepted it and realised and on other occasions he becomes aggressive. What is the best way to deal with this situation. we have tried distraction, and also agreeing with him., but then he wants us to come and take “his mum” back to her house. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks

My husband is in a care home with vascular dementia. He seems to be very quiet the last few weeks. And refuses to go for his meals. Which means he is becoming more and more insular. I wonder if it would unsettle him more, if we brought him back home for a few hours.

My mom is in Long Term Care with dementia. Recently she has started saying she wants to go home. My dad thinks it is a good idea to take home once a week. Is this a good idea? I have told him I don't think is it a good idea. How do I make him understand?

I don’t know where to start. I have cried all my tears. I have read many of your comments and stories. Every one of them individual just as our loved ones dementia journeys are. My mother has stopped asking to go home, she does obsess over something or other each time I see her. I find an hour a visit about right , sometimes I end up staying longer to encourage her eat if she hasn’t eaten much recently. She has sworn and blamed me and others around her, has lashed out, punched, slapped and thrown food/drink at us. She has messed herself on her bedroom carpet, has fallen and bumped her head/arm/hip/back on almost a weekly basis. She goes between care home and hospital continually. She still recognises me , only for a moment before the haze descends. I constantly feel guilty and judged. Everyone around me says don’t feel guilty, no-one is judging you, take care of yourself and the family you have created. Easier said than done !! My heart goes out to you all, I feel your pain. Stay strong , look after your future. You can make the future good and your children happy. This has to be the most important thing. This is what I am trying to focus on now finally. I wore myself and those dearest to me out with no upside or hope. Enough

My mother has had dementia for 8 years and recently has asked my father if she could go home when she is still living with my father in the same house they have lived in for 66 years ( all their marriage life). Not an easy situation!,

I’ve had to just put my Dad in a care home 😢 Hardest Thing I’ve ever had to do !! The Guilt is Eating Away at me , I Worry all the time !! But I couldn’t go on caring for him . With my Work , My family that I’ve not seen as much due seeing to my Dear Dad . He was so Depressed & Confused often not Knowing where he was ? Wandered out got lost . People taking him back home Bless . He was lucky they were good people . Often had bags packed saying his Bungalow was not his home . So very sad & Heartbreaking couldn’t go on like this . He’s been in since Monday 1st of April they say for restbite for him & me ?? But I know Deep I’m my Heart he needs to stay their . He’s already seems little better on Antidepressant s to help him as was in such a low place cry every Day!! Before he went in . Would when went to get his tea seat with him then soon as I’d say I’m off he’d cry again Bless him was so very Hard would ring him 3 / 4 times a day as did other members of family but it wasn’t enough 😢. I know this is for the best & their is a slight improvement Thankfully . The cares say he s lovely Man !! ❤️💔 which I know and they says he’s always talking about me he loved me to bits !! 😢 That’s what’s hurts so much . They it will get easier ? I say your in for a rest and on Tablet s to help him ?? I’m very Heartbroken Daughter 💔😢

My mother is now daily in the afternoon saying she wants to go home at about 3-4pm. She is meaning a different home away from the family home which she has lived in for 48 years. She sometimes can be distracted by a walk or a drive but my father who is 83 struggles with both. We have got carers coming in twice a day 7 days a week but may father can not cope when they are not there. She can become aggressive and challenging when my father cannot take her anywhere. In the mornings she can be quite lucid and will be aware of the moment. Because of this we do not really want to move her in to a home yet as she would refuse and they both would be heartbroken. Any advice on how to handle my mother at these times would be really appreciated.

Hi it’s so sad reading these comments my mum has vascular dementia she is 70 mum has been in a care home for 6 weeks I have a meeting next week to see how she is doing I visit her everyday I so badly want to bring her home but I don’t know if I could cope she has lived with me for 4 years the staff there are very good but they can’t give her care like I did when she was with me I am seriously thinking of bringing her back to live me she does have nasty moods where she is trying to get out of my house saying she wants to go home swearing at me sometimes it can last for a couple of hours but I do so want her home with me

I was a carer in a dementia /nursinghome for 4 years 2years ago at the age of 58 my husband of 44years was diagnosed with alzhimers and vascular dementia it is heart breaking and all my training and experiences have not prepared me for the mental anguish that I am suffering on a daily basis I would say that he is in the 5th stage of this dreadful disease and whilst I am coping with the changes that he is experiencing on the outside my heart is breaking 24hours a day

I lost both my parents to dementia, reassurance is key. Its hard enough with one but two was a living hell. The nursing home was the best of a bad bunch, constantly changing staff. They are in a better place now and whilst its hard to come to terms with things I have fantastic memories.

Hi my mum is still at home but recently accusing carers of stealing everything from food toilet rolls etc we’ve had to cancel them as she’s in tears every time we see her one of us goes every day but with great anxiety of what we will find .

Sadly we lost Mum in 2017 but not before she was cared for, for five years with Dementia at home with my Dad, who is now 95 years young. Mum had two, two week stays in a wonderful care home run by Anchor in her last year. These two stays were while my son took his Granddad on holiday. Before Mums stay I prepared a calendar for the two weeks on A4 paper that on each day Mum could put a sticker of her choice - she loved stickers and at home would happily sit covering pages of A4 coloured paper. On the day I took photographs of Mum in her room, in the dinning room of staff, the gardens and other residents, making a book that we could talk about if she became upset. I'd packed the items that sat on bedside cabinet and placed them on the unit next to her bed and took her favourite cushion for the chair in her room. I'm not saying by doing all this kept Mum happy everyday she was there but it helped, there were no tears just me at times frantically searching with staff for her hearing aid that she kept removing! There was no hesitation to book Mum in again for the two weeks that Dad was going away again with my son in the August of 2017 but sadly she declined with reoccurring "sleep like coma's" during July and was admitted to Hospital passing peacefully with her family with her on the 15th August 2017.

As a regular entertainer in care homes, I recently did a morning show in a dementia unit. When I arrived the staff were struggling to calm down 2 residents who were shouting at each other, and did not want to stay put. One man was constantly shouting "SHUT UP" to a woman mumbling a story she had obviously repeated many times. I arrived a bit early, so I took time to speak to them individually, and made that special connection. After my first song (When you're smiling) the atmosphere improved, and by the end of my hour which mostly consisted of nice gentle ballads, there was no more mumbling or shouting. I am sure we all have stories like this, but I wanted to share it with you. It makes me realise how important our music is and what a difference it makes.