Support if you're struggling with decisions relating to care

It’s important to ask yourself what is in the best interests of the person with dementia. You may feel that you can no longer provide the care that the person needs to help them to live well. 

In this case, it will be better for them to move somewhere where professional care staff can do this. Similarly, the person may not be able to live independently anymore, if they cannot care for themselves or stay safe and well. This may be the right time to think about alternative care.

Questions to support your decision making

If you are finding this decision difficult, it may help to weigh up the options using the following list:

• Is the person able to make a decision themselves about the type of care they would like?
• Has the person been given all possible support to make a decision themselves?
• Have you considered other options, such as homecare, that may help the person to get the care they need? Remember: if a less intrusive or restrictive form of support could address the person’s care needs, then that approach should be taken over more intrusive or restrictive options.
• Would some respite care or a short break help you to feel more able to cope, or to see how the person with dementia gets on in a new environment?
• Would sheltered or extra care housing be a better option for the person than a care home?
• Is a Shared Lives scheme available locally, with a carer able to help them?
• What would be the benefits for the person with dementia and for you if the person moved to a care home?
• In what ways might care staff be able to provide better care than you? For example, does the person need nursing care or care both during the day and at night?
• If the person with dementia goes into a care home, how could you still be involved in their care (if that is what you want)?
• What things make the person feel comfortable, safe and content? Does the care home you are considering offer these?
• If the person goes into a care home, what would the impact be on them, you, and other people?

Dealing with your emotions around moving a person into a care home

For many people, thinking about whether someone should move into a care home is one of the most difficult things they have to do as a carer. 

Some people have to make the decision in a rush, for example if the person has been admitted to hospital and can’t be discharged back home. This can make it even harder to deal with any emotions that may come up. 

Whatever the circumstances, you’re likely to feel a wide range of emotions that can be hard to deal with and can make it difficult for you to know what to do.

Some people feel a sense of loss and sadness that the person’s condition has progressed to this stage. It is also common to feel guilt at the idea of the person moving into a care home. 

Perhaps you feel that you should be able to do more to support them, or that you are letting them down. You may have promised the person that they would always be able to live in their own home and never have to move to a care home. 

There may also be disagreement from family members or cultural pressure around the person moving into a care home. This can make the decision even harder and can feel like a betrayal.

It is important to accept the limits of how much care you, or any one person, are able to give, and for how long. 

Dementia is a complex condition that gets worse over time. It is common for people to get to a stage where they need a higher level of care than what they can get at home. This may mean that the only way to continue to keep them safe and healthy will be by moving to a care home. It may be the option that puts the person at the least amount of risk.

Helpful reminders

Try to keep in mind that you are making this decision because it is in the best interests of the person, given the circumstances. You may find that you feel a sense of relief at accepting this, and knowing that the person will be getting a level of care that you are not able to provide.

The following reminders may help if you are struggling with the idea of the person with dementia moving into a care home:

• Remember that there is no right or wrong way to feel. You will experience your own feelings in your own way. 
• Whatever you decide, you are doing what you think is the best option for the person in a very difficult situation.
• If you decide the person does need to move into a care home, remind yourself that they will be getting the care and support they need.
• You don’t stop being a carer just because you no longer do the practical day-to-day tasks. You can still be involved in the person’s care if you want to be.
• Try talking to other people who have experienced the same thing. It may help you to know that what you’re feeling is normal, and to hear from others about how they dealt with similar situations.
• Remember to also get the care and support that you need while making this difficult decision.

Where to get support

It can be upsetting to think about the person you care for moving into a care home. This can be especially hard if the person with dementia is young.

You don’t have to go through this alone. It can often help to talk the decision through with others who have experience of it. To find support and advice, you could speak to our dementia advisors or find support via our online forum using the links below. We also recommend that you try the following:

• Friends and family are likely to know you and the person well, and may be best placed to support you through this process.
• Consult the person’s GP or other professionals involved in their care. They can give you a professional opinion on the person’s needs.
• Consider speaking to a counsellor or therapist. They provide impartial advice and support that may help you cope with the emotional impact of the decision.
• A community or faith leader may be able to provide guidance and reassurance to both you and the person with dementia.
• Use our online directory to search for peer support groups near you.