Real stories

Nan's memory faded with dementia but her love never did

My Nan, Barbara, was diagnosed with vascular dementia and Alzheimer's disease around 5 years ago but had been living with the early stages for a long while before that.

Coming to terms with Nan's dementia symptoms

This was the first time anyone in my family had any experience of dementia so it took a while for us to recognise her symptoms and get her a diagnosis.

Receiving her diagnosis definitely helped my family to understand the reasons behind the symptoms. It provided reassurance that this is something a large number of people experience.

We often found her forgetfulness and confusion frustrating but over time it was something we got used to. We learnt how to manage it best - for example, not telling her that she was repeating herself, or providing reassurance when she asked questions or seemed confused.

As her dementia progressed it was upsetting for my family as we grieved for the times before she had dementia but her constant happiness and positivity through it all kept us going. 

Love conquers all

Whilst Nan's memory faded over the 10 years she lived with dementia, her smile, infectious laugh and love for her family never did. In particular the love she held for her husband, Peter, my Grandad, remained until the very end.

My grandparents met at dancing lessons over 70 years ago and from that moment on my Grandad devoted his life to loving and caring for my Nan. And this did not stop once she received her dementia diagnosis.

My Grandad was her primary carer and despite the challenges this came with, especially as her dementia progressed, he never once complained and always remained committed to providing the best care he could right up until aged 92!

Nan was always happiest when she was with my Grandad. I think her last words to him capture this beautifully – “I hope we will never be apart”.

The love between the two of them was the purest I’ve ever seen – I can’t remember a time when they were sitting on the sofa and they weren’t holding hands!

Spending time with Nan and Grandad together

As my Nan’s dementia progressed I spent more time with her and my Grandad, helping around the house, keeping them company and providing a little respite for him.

It became clear how much love she had for her whole family. Whilst my Nan began to forget who I was, every single time I entered the house her face would light up.

Even on the days she became agitated, tired or got our names muddled up, she was always happy to see us.

I have lots of wonderful memories with my Nan and many of those are from when she had dementia. She always enjoyed being at home and once her dementia progressed and mobility reduced most of our time together was spent there.

She was always lovely company and interested in hearing all about what I had been up to. She also loved to complement people, every time I saw her she would have something nice to say - apart from the time she said I should ask for a refund on my ripped jeans because half of the material was missing! 

She absolutely loved cake and I enjoy baking so all of these occasions were fulled by Victoria Sponge! I live around 80 miles away from where my Nan lived so whilst I was not able to see her every week it meant the time we spent together I really cherished.

Before her dementia progressed my Nan and Grandad would come and stay with us a few times a year and we would show them round our local area, go for nice family meals and of course visit cafes for a piece of cake!

Making memories as a family

I sometimes struggle to remember a time before her symptoms started but have fond memories of Christmas', birthdays and anniversary celebrations throughout the years.

My favourite memory each year was always Boxing Day. My family all came together to exchange gifts and have a buffet lunch. 

Over the years, as her grandchildren got partners and had children, our family grew and it was so wonderful to have both my Nan and Grandad there through it all.

She loved us being together, she loved watching her great grandchildren play with their new toys and games and she loved us all very much. 

As she aged her mobility really reduced so it was difficult to get out and about and make new memories but sitting with her, trifle (her favourite!) in one hand and recent photographs I’d taken in another, soon became some of my most treasured moments.

My Nan taught me that every single day, no matter how mundane or routine, should be cherished. For my Nan it wasn’t the big things that mattered instead it was the small, often overlooked interactions with loved ones.

She loved us being together; she loved watching her great grandchildren play together with their new toys and games, holding hands with Grandad on the sofa and tucking into a box of chocolates!

If you or a loved one are living with dementia then please know that even when memories fade true love remains, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

I am getting married next year and I hope for nothing more than to have a marriage as happy, loving and strong as my grandparents.  
 

Remembering Barbara Hartill 
1931 – 2023 
“I promise we will always be the very best of friends”