Advice

‘I want to go home’ - What to say to someone with dementia in care

We had a lady who used to come to day care, she thought it was a hotel and always wanted to move in, which she did, and never thought it was anything else.
The hotel scenario worked for her, every person is different.

We had a lady who used to come to day care, she thought it was a hotel and always wanted to move in, which she did, and never thought it was anything else.
The hotel scenario worked for her, every person is different.

When my husband was in a care home, 5 miles away, suffering from Alzheimer’s, I used to join him at 12, when all the physical care and attention was over, and share 12.30 lunch time with him, buying one for myself.. Sharing meal time is such a normal way of being together. Towards the end of his life this involved a lot of help. Together, we were able to sustain friendly relationships with the care / serving staff. Then I’d sit with him, talk a bit, join him if anything communal was taking place, or he’d have a little snooze, and at an appropriate time I’d ‘go shopping’.
Of course, I had no other big commitments in my life.
A comforting memory is that he knew me even during the ‘Advanced’ years, occasionally queried ‘home’ but didn’t become distressed when I pointed out that he needed more care than I could give.

Today would have been his 91st birthday, catching me up. He died 4 years ago.

My mother in law have dementia she lives with us as my husband is working I watches her and I request my husband to put her in care homes which he doesn't want to as for me I sick myself .how can u get husband understand its best for her to be in care home she only had two sons and one son thousands of miles away can't care for her i don't see to many of daughter in law taking of mother in law .she needs an 24/7 person to stay with her all times but its not working at all. What i can do to help my husband to consider options

Hi everyone, I’ve been reading all the posts and thought I would share our experience with my mum, in the hope that it may help just one of you to come to terms with this horrible disease.
Mum was diagnosed in her late 80s with Alzheimer’s and it was a massive shock to us but we decided that the best thing was to keep mum happy as possible. For a long while we cared for her at home in her bungalow but were not able to be there 24/7 due to work etc. Slowly it became obvious after many falls, hospital admission that she needed 24/7 care so she went into a home. We took her for a visit first and then when she moved in she only once asked to go home and I said we could do maybe tomorrow, she was happy with that. We visited every day and whatever mum believed to be true we agreeded we. This kept her happy. We laughed with her and made her a memory box (just a few family photos, favourite bird book and bits and bobs) she often got it and took each item out, commented and then put them back. My grandson visited and her eyes lit with joy and she laughed lots with him. We believe our constant visits, relaxed style and talking with her and laughter kept mum going. I could tell you so many stories but the best I can say is please remember they are still your loved one, don’t contracted them, keep them happy and tell them you love them, no matter how hard it gets. Mum has passed now but we know we did our best that’s all anyone can do, never feel guilty. God bless.

My sister has dementia she starts 10:00 in morning till about 8:00 at night it’s so very hard I am overwhelmed all the time

I became my mums carer overnight when my dad went into hospital 3 years ago. Sadly he passed soon after. Mums had Alzheimer's disease for 8.5 years and I had to sort every detail of her life. I live 100 miles away and stayed with her for 7 months until was able to provide her with a 3 visit daily care package. I have power of Attorney at my dads request so although she has been able to remain in her home with carers daily, the time has come that she needs more help than we can provide to keep her safe and well. So my hearts breaking while I wait for funding to be sorted out with social workers, should come through soon. My main concern is how to physically get mum into a care home when she says shes not ready. Shes been declared unfit to make her own decisions about her welfare by her doctor. Is it best to tell her a little white lie to get her through the door? Shes failing, incontinent, delusional and thinks my dads run off with another woman. Shes now 79 years young.

Need HELP.. My Dad was recently moved into a memory care facility. This is the third move. He no longer has a drivers license, lived alone in a very rural area. Fast forward. Now wants to go back home. All he does is schemes how and who is going to drive him home. He has dementia- one UGLY DIEASE.. I am out of excuses, he gets very mean because he is not getting his way. I live in another State so the only communication I have is by phone. I try to visit once every 3 months and stay about 3 days or so. I try to talk to him every day. I am mentally and physically having a break down. I know this IS THE perfect place for him, he just won’t jump on board and adjust. Any suggestions what to say to him, any help for me, I am truly a mess and it is starting to effect my marriage. Signed.. Reaching Out

We have recently moved my mum into an amazing care home where the staff are outstanding in my mind. They have been so supportive of us and always take time to answer our questions and give us advice on how to deal with issues. However my mum constantly wants to come home and it’s so so upsetting for her and us. Someone goes into see her everyday but we are wondering if this is more upsetting for her as she’s always happy doing activities and joining in with the entertainment program. We don’t now if our presence is unsettling for her. I think everyone’s journey and experience is so so different and we should all support one another and not judge peoples comments. It is the most distressing thing I’ve ever had to deal with and I know it will only get worse.

I care for a neighbor with Vascular dementia (she has no family). We moved her to Memory Care about a month ago due to her decline. She declares with great anger that she despises this place and wants to move. She loves her aides. When I press her for why she wants to move, she explains she despises having this disease and she wants to ‘start over’ at a place that doesn’t know she has dementia because she is not crazy. A move will cost $5k which she can afford and I am tempted to move her to placate this anger. But I know she will only hate the new place equally for some other reason because what she hates is her condition. Logic no longer works with her. Any redirecting ideas?

Hi, I hope somebody can help. My Grandad went into long term care last week, my Grandma (who was his primary career) has stayed in their flat. She went to see him today with my Mum and it’s safe to say the visit was awful. He immediately began crying, begging them to take him home and not to lie with them. They tried a few approaches which didn’t work, in the end they asked for help from the careers which worked well. We obviously want to see him lots but we aren’t sure how to manage this? Tactics like distraction and changing the topic aren’t effective.

It’s an awful thing anybody has to go through but I didn’t know if anybody had any advice or guidance?

Has anyone had this

My Mum a little bit through the day, but very much at night, wakes up in a fit and wants demands to be taken home, trying to call police taxi familly at 2 in the morning, but here's the thing we are home, we are at the house she has lived in for 33 years, when we ask what address she wants to go too it's our address, this is a cause of too many sleepless nights for us, that and my dad being someone else

This is a cruel disease and so hard to get my head around it .My 91 year old Mum had been getting forgetful and on the 19th February this year I came up to her house to celebrate my birthday .I realized that she was not eating properly (and lying about it ) I stayed .Trips to A&E became a regular feature .The last trip on 22nd of May was due to a severe dip in sodium .She was kept in .The following morning I went up early and my Mother was living in a fantasy world ! I was totally shocked and devastated .She was in hospital for 10 weeks and seemed to be loving it .We had many traumatic days .She became very unkind and nasty (totally unlike her) She turned on me accusing me of trying to kill her ,taking over her house ,robbing her money etc ) She had tantrums with staff ,throwing things at them (usually night staff ) Because of her "bad behaviour" care homes were not really interested in taking her .Also it took a long time to get the "dementia diagnosis . I got the news of her care home place at 3.45pm one day ,to be moved by ambulance at 5.30 pm .It was hectic .No time for me to even get my head around it ,except a quick dash home to get clothes .Then back to the hospital at 7pm to collect her discharge notes and medications .Mum has not settled in the care home .She looks very sad .She had a total breakdown a few days ago .She was in the dining room waiting for her lunch .The service was so slow ,she started to say "I want out of here ,I don,t like it ," Refused to eat and said she would rather die .She grabbed the knife and said "I,ll kill myself " I grabbed her hand and the strength in was amazing .We moved her out and the amazing geriatric nurse talked her calm .I was distressed beyond words .I took 2 days off visiting her and other members of the family did the visiting .I am racked with guilt ,I just want to take her home but I know even with carers coming in I could not cope .This was all so sudden for me . On reflection ,Mum was showing signs of dementia but we just used to say "Well at 91 you are allowed to be a bit forgetful " We can now look back and realise there werel ots of other signs .She was a good "bluffer " . She misses the hospital ! Broken hearted that shes not going back to our wonderful local hospital .Nurses were just amazing . There are only two of us .My Brother lives in England and he took over dealing with the "social" end of it .I have two cousins and there children who share the visiting .I have practically abandoned my own house and am still in my Mums house .I only hope I can get my head around this disease soon .The guilt is just overwhelming me at the moment .

This is a tragic misconception. There is another, life-enhancing option: that of live-in care at home. It’s the one most people would plump for, given a choice. It is growing in popularity, but people still do not know enough about it as a viable and affordable alternative.

For many of us, caring is simply part of family life. We may have grown up with a parent, sibling or grandparent who needed care, or maybe as a parent we can see how caring is shaping our family life. By helping an elderly loved one live independently you’re allowing them to live confidently, in the home they love as well as letting them retain their current lifestyle and access to absolutely all of their belongs and treasured memories. Whether that’s by making changes to their lifestyle, home or outside support, you can’t put a price on the freedom to live on your own terms.

Hi I put my mum in a care home in February I have brought her back home twice to see if I could cop with her she is 70 and has vascular dementia the cate home she was in could no longer meet her needs and I had to find someone else to take her I did bring her home but she kept me up all night she would not get dressed she wouldn’t let me change her pad so I had to take her back to the care home then I had to move her a few days later to a opmh that is much further away from me so now I can only visit twice a week it’s breaking my heart I think maybe I should have tried her home with me longer and seen if she would settled the social worker keeps on about her best intrest when I asked for her to be moved closer to home but at the time the other home would not take her surely it’s best for her to be closer to her family where she can see them more often I’m having a hard time dealing with this I just want to bring her home bit the social worker keeps saying it’s not in her best intrest I’m thinking of just taking her I’m feed up with them telling me what to do with my own mum who I know better than anyone. I regret the day I put her in to a care home it’s making me ill