Real stories

Football offers me respite as a carer of my wife with dementia

Brenda and I have been together since she was 17 and I was 20. We lived around the corner from each other and have always been close. We married in 1974 and had a daughter in 1978, who we are very proud of.

We are very well travelled and have been to the Far East, across Europe, across USA and to visit family in Canada.

Spotting the first signs

Brenda, now 70, became the manager of a large transport company in the area in her early 50s, and that’s when I saw initial problems arise. She had a new manager, but Brenda was more qualified. There was a falling out and she was unfairly dismissed. We won a court case for unfair dismissal.

That affected Brenda’s confidence, and I started to notice memory problems kick in.

We decided to see the GP and they did a memory test, and she was referred back to the consultant.

We never had a real conversation with them about her diagnosis, they just sent a letter which didn’t offer much in the way of an understandable explanation.

From 2018 we understood that Brenda had Alzheimer’s disease.

Staying involved after diagnosis

Brenda has always done aerobics and keeps fit. She isn’t sporty, just likes exercise. She was involved with a local running club and trained to do the London marathon. Brenda is now a walker; it helps her anxiety. She loves to potter in the garden.

She is very aware of needing activities to fill her time. The shorter days over winter make things harder.

We are able to manage by ourselves, but there are some local people from Alzheimer’s Society who call for a catch-up from time to time. We’ve got some good friends who put themselves out to help us.

How football helps me as a carer

Going to watch Brighton play was a social thing with my friends, and from about 1980 I’ve had a season ticket and gone every week. I’ve got a group of friends I have been going with to watch Brighton for many years.

We used to travel all over the country to see them play away. I went to Liverpool last year, but it was a difficult experience to travel, and I didn’t get home until the early hours of the morning. It can be a quite time-consuming hobby.

Brenda’s dad was the chairman of the Referee Association locally in Sussex, so that put her off football. Football has always been my thing, but I dragged her along occasionally. We liked to watch Peter Ward.

Football is an escape for me. Days are not easy, and those few hours at the football give you a chance to put the issues behind you for a few hours.

You come home on the coach and chat with everyone, and it gives you that respite.

Looking towards the future

It isn’t an issue going out for a few hours, and at the moment I don’t worry about Brenda when I’m out. But I don’t know how the condition will progress. Maybe sooner or later I will have to cut back – my daughter says she will help so I can continue to go as she knows how important it is to me. We muddle along.

We take each day as it comes – there is no great plan.