Feelings after a person with dementia has died

Coping with the death of a person with dementia

Everyone copes with bereavement in their own personal way, and there is no right or wrong way to react. How you feel after a person with dementia has died will be affected by different things, including:

• your relationship with the person
• your life circumstances and personality
• how much you’ve already grieved while the person was living with dementia and how you responded to changes while caring for them
• the circumstances around the person’s death – how and where they died, as well as whether you were able to say or do the things you wanted to.

How you might feel

When the person dies, it can feel like a turning point in your life, especially if you have been the person’s main carer. You may feel a range of emotions after bereavement, some of which may even be positive. Feelings can include:

• shock and pain (even if the death has been expected for a while)
• sadness
• numbness, as though you can’t feel anything at all
• being unable to accept the situation
• anger and resentment
• guilt
• lack of purpose
• relief, both for the person with dementia and for yourself.

Bereavement can leave you with a sense of emptiness. This can be for different reasons, such as struggling to come to terms with the loss of the person or missing your role as a carer.

You might feel like you have too much free time (especially if you’ve lost past interests and hobbies), or you might have lost touch with other people while caring. All of this can add to feelings of loneliness and isolation.

It’s not unusual to think you have heard the person’s voice or seen the person after they have died and while you’re grieving. You might also dream about them and find yourself thinking about the past or events just before and after their death.

Readjusting after bereavement

Grief can be complex and difficult, and it can be hard to adjust to living without the person. Take some time to reflect and come to terms with your situation, but try not to become isolated. It can help to talk through your feelings with someone you trust.

Some people find speaking to professionals can be a very helpful way of processing their feelings and finding a way forward. There are many organisations that offer grief and bereavement support, including Cruse Bereavement Support, Dying Matters and Sue Ryder. For more information see Useful organisations.

Try to stay in contact with your GP and tell them how you are feeling physically and emotionally. After a bereavement you may be more vulnerable to physical and psychological illness such as viruses, anxiety, stress and depression.

Your GP can look at ways to help, including medication or referring you for talking therapies. The coronavirus pandemic has caused longer waiting times at some surgeries so bear this in mind when trying to book an appointment.

It’s also important to look after your spiritual and religious needs. Many people find these practices helpful and a source of comfort after a bereavement.

Life does not just go back to being the same after bereavement. In time, you may find that the pain eases and you feel ready to cope with life without the person who died. Some carers find readjusting easier than others. How long it takes will vary from person to person, and there is no ‘right’ length of time.