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My father, Derek, passed away 2 years ago in a Nursing Home of mixed Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers, aged 89. His illness impacted myself and my sister the most, as we loved him and knew him the best. His dementia became much more noticeable after our Mum died, they had been together for 62 years. Prior to her passing, he had cared for her most diligently for 18 months through her illness. The heartbreak of very slowly loosing your loved one to this illness is immeasurable. They lose everything, dignity, memories, their personality, their independence, their mental and physical health. To make this even more difficult, the illness can go on for a number of years and the responsibility of keeping that person safe increases as time moves on, crisis days become more frequent, adult social care were not supportive or helpful. Eventually it was a community nurse who helped us the most, who said "enough is enough", he should not be living on his own. People, in general, love to say "I would not put my parent in a care home", but they have no idea what the reality is. No one would, ideally, but when your loved one needs 24 hr care you have no choice, and often the choice is taken by the hospital/social services in any case. I wish people could understand that a care home can be a blessing for your loved one, that they can improve, feel safer, the family have peace of mind. I could write so much, but this is the bare bones of our story. We loved our Dad so much and missed him so much when he no longer knew us. Thank you.

I will always love you, forever.

Many years ago, I gave you the book Love You Forever. It’s a heartwarming children’s book about the beautiful bond between mother and a child. Now, all these years later, I find myself in a similar position to the one in that story—I can truly relate to it. Yet in our story, things have shifted with the arrival of dementia.

In a way, I now have two mothers: the mother I knew before dementia, and the mother I know with dementia.

Let me explain:

I have two different loved ones, both with the same name.
And this is my heartache: I feel I am loving two different people, each with her own personality, but I love them both deeply.

The first of those is my mother, the one who gave birth to me and who supported every dream and wish I had. She sacrificed so much to make everything possible for my future. We laughed and danced together, argued at times, shared worries, and she always supported me. With her unconditional love, she also set my life in order. Her kindness extended to all living things, especially animals and those too vulnerable to speak for themselves. She made sure no one hurt or abused animals, standing strong and determined. I learned from her example. She also cared deeply for people who deserved better, those who needed compassion and understanding.

But then came a time when her mind began to slip away. I realized that the mother I had known would soon be gone from me. She changed quickly, turning into another loved one who wore her clothes, who looked just the same. Yet, in a way, the story came full circle, like in Love You Forever. I saw the sparkle of joy leave her eyes, and smiles became rare... each time, I hope to see a glimpse of her true spirit again.

Mama, I care for you with all my heart. I sit by your side, trying to reach you, holding your hand—even when you sometimes pull it away. I’ve created a book of memories filled with stories of your childhood, your adult life, and our family together. I wrote down the memories you shared with me... to hold on to all that was important to you, so none of it fades away.

PLEASE REMEMBER, MAMA—YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE MOTHER I KNEW AND LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY…

You are loved, always, and forever.

Both of my parents have Alzheimers, with Mum running about a year ahead of Dad. We moved them to my sister's house in a granny annex and cared for them between the 3 sisters as long as we could at home. But eventually their needs were so different we couldn't keep them together and keep them both safe. As the disease progresses they reach a point where day and night blur, and they can run on empty for days. It's exhausting for the partner or the carer. Mum went into a care home first, and Dad followed a year later. They've been married more that 60 years but now don't recognise each other. It's completely heart breaking. They've been such a fiercely loyal couple their whole lives. The marriage came first, not the children. Which I agree with by the way! But makes their current situation all the more cruel. They know we are 'for them' when we arrive, but no idea who we are anymore. Mum is hostage to her anxieties, and spends most days calling for her mummy and waiting for her Dad to come and take her home. And Dad doesn't really make proper sentences anymore, and falls all the time. He regularly has bumps and cuts on his head. Neither of them know when or where they are. It's such a cruel disease, robbing them of their identities. I know neither of them would want to still be here. And the longer this goes on, the harder it is to remember them as they really were.

I think it’s awful that you have to sell your home to pay for care for someone you love and even when paying the highest prices you continue to move them as known of these care homes do what they promise to do, how can someone pay thousands a week! And be greeted with 39p juice when they never drank this stuff before, how is it every time you see them there laying in a room alone bored and frustrated, there isn’t options for anyone if you have savings the government ensure that’s going to these places, every day your faced seeing your loved one be someone else not the person they was so it is like grieving every single day and to add to that every day is a day closer to them Forgetting you it is like dying yet no support like there is if someone has cancer yet your dying if not worse with dementia .