Dave's Story: 'Mum was changing completely, until the situation became intolerable for everyone'

About Dave

I work for Aviva UKGI as Director of Mid-Market & Speciality Lines with profit and loss accountability for a Commercial lines business controlling £850m GWP and leadership of 500+ employees.

I am married to the long-suffering Elaine and have two beautiful daughters, Gaby (25) and Holly (18).

I am a proud Mancunian and Manchester United fan, albeit having lived in Surrey for the last 20 years. I love playing golf, enjoy running, reading, travelling and the odd glass of red wine! 

Mum and dementia

My mum was diagnosed with dementia three years ago, having shown signs of the disease from the year before.

The situation was at first hardly noticeable, forgetting the odd thing. But it quickly accelerated to the point where my sister and I needed to live in with Mum to keep her safe.

This was an incredibly difficult period for all of us. Mum is a proud lady, who has devoted her life to her children and grandchildren. Now she was suddenly struggling with basic tasks and her memory was failing. It was very upsetting to her four grandchildren who were adored and spoilt rotten from the moment they were born. 

My sister and I took turns, living in with Mum while trying to have some degree of normality for Mum and the wider family. Mum was unable to understand the situation and we all, Mum and the family, struggled coming to terms with terrible mood swings.

My lovely Mum who had never raised her voice, never mind swore, was changing completely, with insults, and physical abuse to me and my sister. 

Feeling the pressure

The situation became intolerable, with pressure mounting on me and my poor sister, our families and of most concern, our mum. That feeling of helplessness, believing we were well-rounded individuals, yet feeling completely lost as to what to do for the best, were the worst moments. 

'Unfortunately, public services, despite best intentions, are completely ill equipped and under-funded to support people affected by dementia.' 

There is unacceptable pressure on the few staff they have to provide the support families desperately need. It made me angry for other families who may not have been in the same position as us. Without supportive employers and a large family network, we would really struggle to cope with the wide impacts this cruel disease has.

The company I work for, Aviva, was incredibly supportive with simple gestures of understanding and support, only a relatively short time into my employment. These acts by my managers are something I will never forget and just reinforced why I joined. The values of the company being played out for me when I needed it most. 

'Coronavirus has had an upsetting impact on Mum and the family. Being unable to see Mum face to face, to explain the reasons we have not been to see her has been upsetting for all the family.'

Feeling your loved ones are isolated, confused and feeling rejected is a constant pull on your emotions.

Reaching out to Alzheimer’s Society

Alzheimer’s Society provided support to my family when we were at the worst moments.

After trying to navigate conflicting responses from local services, the NHS, and trying to tackle Mum's finances while providing 24-hour care and making little progress, we finally spoke to Alzheimer’s Society.

Calm, knowledgeable and incredibly empathetic individuals helped to clear the fog, give us some comfort and enabled us to take tentative steps forward.

'I will forever be grateful for the support provided. My only regret is not speaking to them sooner.' 

No one should have to face dementia alone and there needs to be awareness and involvement from more and more people.

I regret that it took a personal impact on me to realise the challenges and distress that having a family member diagnosed with dementia places on the individual and the wider family and friends.

An industry united

I became an Advocate for Insurance United Against Dementia (IUAD) to help raise awareness, raise funds and in small way do everything I can to help combat the impact of this cruel disease. Individuals and families need our support now, as well as funding for vital research to find a cure. 

Unfortunately, dementia will affect more and more of us. Collectively we need to be doing everything we can to tackle the impact and for me supporting IUAD and the Alzheimer’s Society is something I am keen to continue with. I like to think my Mum would be proud to see me doing so too.