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Advice
What not to say to somebody with dementia
Words can be helpful and uplifting, but also hurtful and frustrating depending on the situation. Here, we look at some words and questions to try to avoid when talking to a person with dementia.
For a person living with dementia, language and communication can become more difficult over time. The type of difficulties a person will face as dementia progresses will be different for each individual.
The type and stage of the person's dementia will also be a factor. While the person living with the condition may have difficulties with finding the right word, the words that other people use are important too.
Good communication can be key to helping the quality of life for the person with dementia. Here are a few of the words and questions it may be best to avoid in conversation.
7 things to avoid saying to somebody with dementia
1. 'Remember when...?'
While it can be tempting to try and jog the memory of somebody living with dementia, this kind of question may highlight the fact that the person has memory problems. It can also sometimes feel like the person is being tested.
This can be a frustrating or painful experience, and there’s also no evidence that prompting the person in this way will help them to recall or hold on to memories. It can be pleasant and comforting to talk about the past, however, it’s usually more helpful to lead the conversation and allow the person to join in.
Try this instead:
Instead of posing a question, try leading with ‘I remember when…’. That way, the person can search their memory calmly without feeling embarrassed, then join in if they like.
2. 'I've just told you that'
It can be difficult answering the same question several times, especially when you are trying to keep frustration or upset from your voice.
However, reminding the person that you have just answered their question will not help them retain the information for next time, it is likely to just remind them of their condition. This can be distressing for you both. Bear in mind, that for them, it is likely to feel like the first time they have asked the question.
Try this instead:
Try to remember that the person cannot help repeating themselves. It is important for them to feel heard and understood.
Answer repeated questions calmly and patiently, with an even tone of voice. If you feel the need, take a break, and remove yourself from the conversation for a while.
3. 'Your brother died 10 years ago'
A person living with dementia may forget about a past bereavement or ask for somebody who has died. Reminding them of a loved one's death can be very painful, and they may react as though hearing the news for the first time all over again.
How to respond to these types of difficult questions will vary for different people in different circumstances, however, it's always important to show sensitivity and minimise any distress.
Try this instead:
For some people, encouraging them to talk about the person they are asking about can be comforting. Distraction techniques can be useful, although try not to avoid the question if they keep asking, as this can cause the person to feel more anxious.
Find out how the person is feeling, sometimes asking about a particular family member or friend is due to the person having an unmet need, such as wanting comfort or reassurance.
4. 'What did you do this morning?'
Avoid asking too many open-ended questions about the past, as it could be stressful for a person with dementia if they can’t remember the answer. While it might seem polite to ask somebody about their day, it’s better to focus on what’s happening in the present.
Try this instead:
Instead of asking them about their day, speak briefly about your day and give them time to ask you questions about it.
They might then offer information about what they have done. Talk to them about the present and use items in the environment such as photos or ornaments to stimulate conversation.
5. 'Do you recognise me?'
It can be distressing when somebody with dementia doesn’t recognise you, especially if you have a close relationship with them. Remember that it is likely to be upsetting for them to not recognise people around them too.
Asking the person if they know who you are can make them feel guilty or anxious if they don't remember or offended if they do.
Try this instead:
The way you greet somebody with dementia might change depending on the stage of their condition – judge for yourself but keep it friendly. A warm hello could suffice, or it may help to say your name and your relationship to them each time.
6. 'Let’s have a cup of tea now, then after that we can go for nice walk and get lunch and something else to drink in that café you like next to the big church in town.’
Long, complex sentences can be difficult to grasp for somebody with dementia. It's difficult to process several ideas at once as cognitive abilities slow down, so it's better to give directions or instructions one step at a time.
Try this instead:
Use short, simple sentences as much as possible. Avoid speaking too much in loud or busy environments, and wait until you have the person’s full attention before you start. During a conversation, give the person enough time to process what you are saying.
7. 'I'll just help you use your little spoon there, love?'
‘Elderspeak’ - which can involve talking in a high-pitched voice, using words like ‘love’ or ‘deary’, and generally speaking to the person like they are a child - should be avoided. This can be patronising and infantilising for a person with dementia.
Try this instead:
Always remember the person behind the dementia. It’s fine if the person needs you to speak slower than usual, but try to keep your tone of voice the same as with anyone else.
Some people may like being called ‘love’ or ‘dear’, but unless you know the person it is usually best to use their name instead. This helps keep their dignity intact.
This article was first published in 2017 and most recently updated in January 2024.
Carers: looking after yourself
Supporting a person with dementia can be challenging. Looking after yourself is important for both you and the person you are supporting.
Diane wilson
saysHi
We have just taken my parents away for a holiday and my mum was forgetful
Before but now just started talking nonsense on and off. Do you think
This could be the start of Alzheimer’s?
Anonymous
saysHi Diane,
Thanks for getting in touch. If you're worried about your mum's memory then it's a good idea to talk to your GP.
This page has some information on what to do if you're concerned about somebody's memory, so that might be a good place to start: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/how…
You may also be interested in this page about the differences between normal ageing and what could be a symptom of dementia: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/symptoms-and-diagnosis/how…
Hopefully this information is useful, but it's worth remembering you can also call our helpline for information, advice and emotional support. The helpline's opening hours and details are here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline
Thanks,
--
Alzheimer's Society blog team
stephana
saysMom was doing great mentally until about 2 years ago. She is 91 and 1/2 years old. The signs of dementia were subtle but Mom lived in a senior apartment and did very well taking care of herself and doing the day to day tasks (doing the bills) socializing and playing cards or other games with friends. She'd given up her car 2 years ago due to physical issues(broken bones and falls)
But the past year her memory started to go quickly...and she ahd a compression fracture on her lower back. We finally had to make the decision to put Mom into a nursing home because she refused all forms of help to keep her at home. The sad part for me is Mom has turned completely against me calling me almost every day to tell me to "never call he" and "forget you had a mother" and much much worse. She ioesn't realize the dementia had gotten so bad she was forgetting to take her meds and day to day tasks overwhelmed her. But something triggered her against ME(not my brother) I usually answer her by saying."Well Mom I've got to go now" because she is hurtful and really mean. I stopped calling her a week and a half ago because I'm afraid she'll lash out at me.
I received 25 horrible calls in 4 days last week.
I just sent her some Mother's Day gifts ...and am hoping I will be able to talk to her again.What do I do. It breaks my heart because I've been a very dedicated and loving daughter despite her behavior(in the past she was very controlling until I moved away at 20 years old for good.
Anonymous
saysHi Stephana, thanks for getting in touch.
It sounds really painful and stressful for you to be going through this with your Mom. As you have said, you have tried stopping calling her, only to have her contact you more. It sounds like your Mom actually may unconsciously want you to call, and that she may unintentionally be projecting onto you her difficult and complex feelings. This will likely be due to the impact of her dementia and the impact moving into 24-hour care, as well as possible resulting feelings of ‘abandonment’ (even though there was no other option).
Because you are close, despite her past complicated behaviour towards you, she may now not have someone with whom to release these angry and hurt feelings. This can often happen in dementia, when a close family member can be the target of hostility from a loved one, especially if there was an already pre-existing complicated relationship. If you are going to resume calling her every other day you will need to be boundaried with the time, and pay close attention to your own self-care.
You could say to your Mom, if you did call her, and had a lot of anger aimed at you, that you really care about her, and that you will call again. You may need to liaise with the nursing home staff as well regarding your mother’s agitation and how best they can support her, as her needs sound quite complex, and for them possibly be around at the time if you do call her again.
You would be welcome to call us on our helpline on 0300 222 1122 to talk this through in more detail. We are open seven days a week and you can find more information on our opening hours here: http://bit.ly/1T0FzgB.
You may also it helpful to visit our online forum, Talking Point, where you can talk to other people online who may have experienced similar issues. I have included a link here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/talking-point-our-online-comm….
Best wishes,
--
Alzheimer's Society Helpline Adviser
Karen Toole
saysI’m in middle of a crisis now with my darling mama & it’s so very sad that’s what I’m finding hard I’m missing her.
She had usual memory loss for her age until last November when infection in her foot re diabetes/ blood flow issues resulting in her having gangerne loosing toes now sore heel & well looking like dementia taking hold .She has heart failure but been ok with that except for fatigue only just had other symptoms on that front.
Just left her in hospital for treatment & scared she will get hurt without me there to protect her
Wow life is so cruel
Karen
saysHi
My mum has been diagnosed with dementia - currently very bad short-term memory. She had her driving license revoked 4 months ago but just cannot remember this. We have explained the situation many many times but each time she forgets (sometimes within minutes) and gets very upset and angry all over again. This is also very stressful for my brother and I who feel we have tried everything to tell her gently and calmly and offered alternative solutions for her such as walking to shops (30 yards away) or getting bus or taxi with her sister to the next village that she likes going to. But she cannot seem to remember this. While we understand it feels like a huge thing for her, any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks ... Karen
Anonymous
saysHi Karen,
Thanks for your comment, and sorry for the late reply.
One of the first symptoms of dementia is often the loss of short-term memory as you say, so she won’t remember your explanations, and each time you talk about the reasons, it's likely she will react with anger and upset as it will be like the first she’s learnt about this.
It would be kinder therefore, not to keep repeating this unwelcome news, and rather to make alternatives happen, helping her to get used to them. Walking slowly with her to the shops and using the bus with her sister. If she asks why you are not using the car, maybe say that it needs a repair, or that it’s nice to walk etc or distract her with other topics. If it’s possible to remove the car from sight, this will also stop being a constant reminder.
Hope this is helpful. Our helpline is also available to offer information, advice and support should you need to talk to somebody: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline
--
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Coping with dementia-caregiver's guide
saysExcellent blog.
Julie Vavangas
saysThis is very helpful. It is good to get confirmation that you are doing the right thing already in some areas and to pick up some new suggestions for helping conversation. My 91 year old mother-in-law has just started to get really muddled speech that is sometimes incomprehensible and it is difficult to know what to say when you can’t understand her. Sometimes she is aware of this sometimes not. I will try some of the things suggested on your website.
It sometimes feels that you are battling on with little support so it is good to be able to get sound advice. I think I now need to find a local group that will understand what we are all going through. Thank you.
Dave
saysThank you for this. My mum, My best friend, was diagnosed 2 weeks ago and it hit us all like a runaway train. We suspected something but weren't sure. She was admitted to hospital for something else, and then the consultant observed her behavior. One thing led to another and .......
These are great tips for us all. Thank you.
Anne
saysI agree with aiming for the best communication - and this site helps a lot - whilst accepting we are human. A short break - if you can step outside or go to the shop, or play your phone game for a few minutes in another room can help you to just take a breath, a moment to orient yourself & drop your stress level.
Troy C.Stewart
saysWow...you hit this 100 ...living this right now. . very helpful.
Janet
saysHello, my Mom hasn't been diagnosed with anything yet, apart from a deficiency in B12 last year which she had a course of injections for and now needs every 3 months. She suffers with white coat syndrome and refuses to go to the doctors, my Dad and my siblings noticed changes in her over three years ago and tried really hard to get her to see the doctor but she refused and is very convincing and strong willed, my father spoke to the GP about her on one occasion last year when she accompanied him, but the GP refused to listen to him and my Mom convinced the GP she was OK! Because of data protection and other rules we we're unable to book her an appointment without her doing it, but finally I have managed it and we have now seen the same doctor and are getting someone to come round to assess my Mom. I feel that so much time as gone by and feel so guilty. My mom use to be so clean and tidy especially with personal hygiene but now my father and I have to try to get her to wash and change but she won't budge only occasionally, do you have any suggestions has to how I can get her to wash, and wear other clothes
Catherine Lightfoot
saysSundowners was mums worst time. Always wanted to know where the weans were,as they were late home from school. As one of the 'weans',I just said that they were at my sister's house(the other wean)at a party. Seemed to settle her for a wee while.
DC
saysThank you, I’m guilty of some of these with my Dad at times. One of the most frustrating things though is watching people (carers, medical, friends etc) speaking VERY LOUDLY to my Dad. I can see he hates it, I try to gently remind that there’s nothing wrong with his hearing!
Shenaz patel
saysI'm a carer for my son who has learning difficulties and autism , I'm not well myself I've got asthma overactive thyroid and high blood pressure, me and my husband are also caring for my mother in law who had dementia and it's very hard , I feel that she's quite harsh towards me when I tell her do this or don't do that
Janet fishwick
saysMy 91 year old mother has was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago. She has lived on her own since my dad died 29 years ago. Mother is now at stage 4 in her illness and displays all the symptoms of repetition, unawareness, ,,forgetfulness and a whole lot more issues. She refuses to have Home Help because she insists that she can manage all her daily tasks. Mother is receiving Assisted Living Allowance which pays for cleaning, hairdressing and chiropody services. She is loathe to leave her bungalow and join small organised clubs where she could meet and socialise. She has weekly visits from Age Concern and is currently managingnto knit woollen squares for a patch work blanket.Her daily needs are becoming more apparent e.g. putting on her heating and gas fire, taking her medication, remembering to wear hearing aids,expecting a newspaper to be delivered... Mother now has no recollection of drinking a cup of tea or doing some light baking. Her knowledge of which day, season or month it is, is pure guesswork.
I am just writing this to let others know that this is not an easy task for us, her family. We feel unappreciated, frustrated and wonder his much longer she can continue to live in her cocoon of existence.
Hope
saysIs it possible for my grandpa to mistake me for someone else. My grandma died suddenly and she was his main caretaker. I’ve returned home to help my family, and sometimes my grandpa calls me a different name, and it’s the same name, like I remind him of someone else?? Does he think I’m her?? Should I say something to my family??