Advice
How to offer help to someone with dementia who doesn’t want it
Do you know a person with dementia or memory problems who is refusing offers of help? Here are a few ways to support someone who may be in denial or lack insight about their situation.
It is common for someone living with dementia to deny that they are experiencing issues with their memory or other aspects of cognition, such as having difficulty holding conversations or carrying out daily living tasks.
This could be due to denial or lack of insight. Similar to denial, lack of insight means that a person with dementia is unable to recognise changes in their behaviour and personality.
Continued denial can cause problems in the person's future. For example:
- they may refuse to accept help
- there could be delays in starting or stopping medication
- they may continue to drive despite it not being safe for them to do so.
Offering help to someone with memory problems who may be in denial
Someone living with memory issues may deny that they’re experiencing problems. This can be frustrating, especially if you’ve been encouraging them to visit their GP for a memory test.
Denial may reflect that the person is feeling fearful and needs time to accept what is happening.
It is possible that they have some awareness of their cognitive issues and may be feeling uneasy or anxious about this. They may also be fearful about the future.
They may feel – or think that other people may feel – a stigma about having a diagnosis of dementia.
Here are some ideas to consider when talking to someone about your worries.
- Broach the topic gently. It may help to remind them that memory issues don’t always point towards dementia.
- Be kind and supportive during the conversation. Listen to their reasons and any fears they raise.
- Let them know that you’re worried about them. Give examples of issues like missing appointments, misplacing items, forgetting names.
- Break down the larger issue into smaller ones. Pick one to focus on, such as, ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been forgetting names of friends. Maybe the GP will be able to help.’
- Keep a diary of events. This will help you show someone you’re worried about that you have ‘evidence’ for your worries. The diary will also support you both if you see a doctor as they may want to see a record of issues.
- Turn the focus towards getting support for their friends and family. For example, ‘If you visit the GP, we might be able to get extra help that would give me a break...’
If their denial of the issue(s) continues, this may further delay receiving an official diagnosis.
Offering help to someone with dementia who denies their diagnosis
Receiving a dementia diagnosis can be a daunting experience.
The person who has been diagnosed may feel a range of emotions, from sadness to disbelief to denial.
When you talk to someone about their diagnosis and how they’re feeling, try to stay calm. This may help calm them down, too.
Denial can be beneficial, as it can give someone time to process news and how they feel about it.
Giving the person time and space to think about their diagnosis and how they feel about it is a good way of approaching the situation.
If they continue to deny their diagnosis, you might start to feel frustrated or unable to help.
There are a few things you can do to support someone who is in denial about their dementia diagnosis or refusing to accept help.
- Keep a diary of events – examples of issues, dates, times, locations – and what happened. This record can support you in approaching the person diagnosed with dementia, if it feels appropriate. You can use it to show them you care and are concerned for them.
- Find out more about local support groups and therapies. Attending these may help the person come to terms with their diagnosis. Talking and art therapies are popular choices.
- Try to stay calm when talking about your concerns. Getting angry or upset can make conversations uncomfortable for everyone involved. The person you’re worried about may be more hesitant to talk to you in the future.
It's important to try talking to the person you're worried about and to encourage them to see a doctor themselves.
Where this doesn’t work, you might consider speaking to the person’s doctor yourself. If doing so, it is best to get the person’s consent, or at least inform them that you are going to speak to their doctor. It will then be for the doctor to decide whether they disclose the information to the person.
Tips for supporting someone with memory loss
Get practical tips and advice on how you can support someone who is experiencing memory loss
If you have a question about dementia, call our helpline to speak with our expert advisers, or join Dementia Talking Point to chat with other people in your situation.
Julie
saysMrs Clegg
saysBeth
saysLisa
saysBeth
saysSteven Grimes
saysBeth
saysVERO
saysHi Vero,
We're sorry to hear about this - it sounds like a difficult and stressful situation.
We'd strongly recommend calling our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. You'll be able to talk to one of our trained dementia advisers, who can provide information, advice, and support specific to yours and your mother's situation.
You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this helps. Please do call our support line for advice.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Kathleen Rodgers
saysMaxine Clarke
saysHi Maxine,
We're sorry to hear this, it sounds like a difficult situation to be in. Please know that we're here for you if you need us.
You can call our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and provide specific information and advice to help. Find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line
We hope this helps for now.
Alzheimer's Society website team
Maud Jones
saysHi Maud,
To answer the first part of your question, if a doctor has said someone with dementia shouldn’t drive anymore then they should not continue driving. But they can appeal to the DVLA if they wish to challenge the decision. Find more information on what to do when the DVLA decides that a person with dementia must stop driving here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/staying-independent/dvla-decision-stop-driving-dementia
However, no one can be forced to live with anyone else or leave their home without any legal reason. We'd strongly recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia about this. They can find out more about your situation, discuss your rights and offer advice. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-support-line
We hope this helps for now, Maud. Please do call our support line.
Alzheimer's Society website team
Sascha
saysHi Sascha,
We'd recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will be able to provide specific information, advice and support to help with your situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this helps.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Clive Robinson
saysMartin Sach
saysANTONY INGHAM
saysLaren Simon
saysMe
saysHi, we are sorry to hear about the difficult situation with your spouse.
We recommend speaking with one of our trained dementia advisers to discuss the situation in more detail. They will be able to provide you with information and advice specific to you.
Please call our Dementia Connect support line on 0333 150 3456. (More information on opening times: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/dementia-connect-support-line)
We hope this helps.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Lesley Turton
saysDawn
saysBeth
saysChloe
saysNicki
saysHello Nicki, thank you for getting in touch. We're sorry to hear this, it sounds like a difficult situation for you all. Please know we're here to support you.
We'd strongly recommend calling our support line. If you are based in the UK, you can speak to one of our trained dementia advisors by calling 0333 150 3456. They will listen and learn more about your situation and concerns, and may be able to provide support or guidance that's specific to your FIL (More information on opening times: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line)
We hope this helps, Nicki. Please do call our support line.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Martin Sach
saysBeth
saysMrs Sheila Ward
saysHi Sheila,
We're really sorry to hear about your mother in law, it sounds like such a difficult situation to be in. Please know that you aren't alone, and we're here for you.
You can always call our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will listen to you and provide specific information, advice and support to help. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
You might also find our article, ‘What to say to someone with dementia in care', helpful. It has some tips on how to manage the conversation when someone with dementia says they want to go home: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/blog/i-want-go-home-what-to-say-to-someone-in-dementia-care
We hope this helps for now, Sheila. Please do call our support line if you need advice or support.
Alzheimer's Society website team
Denise
saysHi Denise, we're sorry to hear about your dad's situation and recent loss. This sounds like a difficult time for you and your family. Please know we're here for you.
We'd recommend calling our support line on 0333 150 3456 to speak with one of our trained dementia advisers. They will be able to provide specific information, advice and support to help with your situation. You can find more details about the support line (including opening hours and other methods of contact) here: https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/dementia-connect-support-line
We hope this helps, Denise.
Alzheimer's Society blog team
Liz
says